K S

attitude

I need to save my sanity somehow, so i guess this is the
lucky winner... i dont know. i have been really struggling
with the guys in my life, i just keep questioning my true
feelings and i dont understand how one minute they are
there and the next minute they arent... and i really want
to visit him, but then i know that i just cant. it could
end up being the best and worst event of my life. i wrote
a poem for my CW class last night, and stuff was coming out
of me that i never knew was in there, and it just made me
really curious as to what i allow myself to truly feel. i
have learned through my roommate that i repress a lot of my
feelings and just go about my life letting things slip
by. maybe i shouldnt do that anymore. these feelings
that i have built up for him whether they be anger or
passion or love, heaven forbid, i dont know, but whatever
it is i need to resolve them with myself or maybe with him,
regardless i need to do something because he is all i can
think to draw from in my writing. i cant concentrate on
any other subject. i would love to write a nice little
story about fairies or pixies or about a little girl and
her brand new red bicycle, BUT I CANT AND ITS DRIVING ME
INSANE. not only that my roommate has an attitude, she
doesnt just say something, she always says it like she is
trying to cause contention, so i have sunk to that level
and have started retorting answers back at her
condescending questions. and then i am the bad guy.
uuugghhh. i really dont want to go home this weekend,
maybe thats my underlying stress, and all this other junk
is just that. underlying meaningless junk. i wish he
would stop calling me. we went out 3 times, i refuse to
have a "relationship talk." thats insane, so i will be the
true wuss that i am and continue avoiding his phone
calls. why is it that the people whose company you truly
enjoy are the hardest to hang out with. i dont call guys,
so that makes things especially difficult. he just
called. good night. happy birthday to me.