i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2001-09-05 06:30:45 (UTC)

A day in the life of the demented.....

Well, another day has gone by. The only good thing about it
is that it's over. It kinda sucked, and i don't really know
why. Do you ever have those days that you just want to end,
but you can't put your finger on why? Yeah, that's how
today was. Just "one of those days..." I feel like I don't
know who I am anymore. And I honestly thought I had just
figured myself out...I thought I knew who I was, what I
wanted. It wasn't as if I thought I knew the secret to life
or anything, but I thought I finally knew who I was. And
now, all of a sudden, I don't know anymore. And I'm all
depressed. Again. You know, it's not easy at all to make
yourself happy. Sometimes I think if I fake it hard enough,
then I can make it happen...You know, the whole "if you
believe it, you can acheive it!" thing. Unfortunately, that
is a bunch of bullshit. I dunno, sometimes I feel as if I
fake it all day long, put on a happy face, pretend to be
having a good time, when really, all I want to do is just
curl up in a little ball and cry for hours. Does anyone
else feel like that? Sometimes, I look at people and I
wonder...especially with someone who used to be a good
friend of mine. I know she has more to her than she lets
on, or at least she did. But then again, maybe I was just
fooling myself. Before, she was interesting and
caring...now she just seems like a ditzy slut. Of course,
that's probably me just being bitter, but it's really hard
not to be when you've been dropped by someone who was
practically your best friend. I literally sobbed for like
an hour over the whole thing..and she didn't even seem to
care. Oh well. Woe is me, right? Anyway, I think I'm going
to continue on this self-pity trip because sometimes it
helps me clear my head to think about it all....
You know what really gets me down? The fact that I feel as
if I have no real friends. I dunno, I wonder if there is
something wrong with me or something. I mean, I'm not anti-
social or anything. I talk to people. I laugh. I smile. I'm
not depressing. I convince myself that life is great
(yadda, yadda) and I honestly do love people. But yet, I
have no real friends. I don't have a close relationship
with anyone, and what I want more than anything is to be
able to have a close friend. Ya know? Someone who would
listen to me cry, and comfort me. someone who would go out
at like 2:30 in the morning just to do crazy and stupid
things, or maybe just to talk. I don't know, I feel so
isolated or something. Well, now that I'm done complaining
(sort of...) I figure I'd better end this. So yeah. More
later, if you care.