i'll tell you later

(catchy title to come later)
2001-09-05 06:04:33 (UTC)

i need someone to talk to - someone who cares . . . .

so i think i am slipping down a bad slope here - i am
becoming more and morebombarded with work - but i care less
and less - i am living with 4 times as many peo - - 4 times
as many other people this year - 4 as opposed to 1 - and i
feel 10 times more alone - it is really bad - i really
can't turn to c any more for a shoulder - she needs this
year to be not her supporting me - not that she supporte me
last year but she did know i wasn't all that happy a lot of
the time - i need to be there for her this year when she
needs to talk becsue i told her (and i ment it 100%) that
i'd be there for her as a best friend - and i am trying but
she isn't talking to me much - i guess it is just whatever -
i miss her so much - i get watery eyes thinging about her
lately - i am so alone - i don't want this year to be a sad
year - i need to find someone to talk to someone who cares
or this year will be just as bad as last year - i think
that i - i dunno i lost my train of thought - i think that
just having someone to talk to about my problems is exactly
what i need - and i thought i was moving toward that with J
but J doesn't talk to me now that the summer is over much -
randomly but not really - she s --- i didn't think - no i
wasn't expecting her tobe around for me not for me but i
didn't expect her to keep up contact after the summer - i
think she kinda found my presence annoying actually - i
dunno - - oh well - i dug her she was chill - not many ppl
are chill - too many people suck - all the people i meet
suck - i'm trying to meet people in my classes - i am
actually making an concious effort becasue that is how
alone i feel - maybe i am too quick to judge but everything
i am seeing abou these people is just such a turn off -
this one girl seemed cool but then she acts so immature all
the time - its so weird - i dunno - i really don't think i
am being judgemental - i don't have specific examples but i
remember things a few times about different people that if
i was ever hanging out with them and they siad/did
something like that i would just be saying tomyself "what?
ummm yeah - you need to not do that/say that even again"
and i think when i think that it is a fairly good sign tat
this person isn't someone i want to be spending my time
with - oh well - too bad it happens with my roommates
also . . . .that isn't cool - i i am so alone and being
alone is one of the worst things ever - my friend KS asked
me a couple days ago what i was afraid of and i told her
that i was afraid of alone - not being alone as in single -
and not being alone as in being physically bymyself - just
alone the idea the feeling of alone and the emptiness that
comes along with it - i feel as if i am a consumer of
people - a people consumer i cannot build lasting and
meaningfll relationships because when people have expended
their usefullness for the time being i move on to something
else - somome one else - thinking about what i said makes
it seem like i would be the type of person who "went
through" girls all the time- but i haven't been in any sort
or relationship with a girl except C si--- except C in 4
years - 4 years and even what i've had with C has been the
most unstructured and stressfull things ever - so many
thoughts so many decisions issues this is really hard - i
really don't know what to do with our relationship - i do
and have for a while now cared about her and she and her
impact on my life over the past 4 years has been the impact
that i'd say i value most however i really don't know what
to do about the way things stand and the way things are
going to develop . . . .i am so confused - and sometimes i
thing - - - - - thatin my head i am comparing everyone to
her and how she makes me feel /made me feel - nothing has
ever come close to hat - maybe i don't give things a
chance - or maybe i am simply too good ajudge of what kind
of relationship i know i need at the moment and nothing is
coming along that fits - if that is the case than i have a
feeling that i will be engaging myself in the next
possibility of anything that comes myway - things are
getting very bad - i am such a needy person and i need a
relationship a meaningfull one and i think at this point
i'd be almost willing to or maybe i would be willing to -
put myself in a situation inwhich i know thee will be
difficulitiesbut the where in the past i might not have
done this - - - althogh i know i would never do something
that the RMS are doing "oh we broke up" ummmm - i'm
thinking no - and that's fine it doesn't matter to me if
you broke up or not - but don't lie to yourself - i jsut
know i would never be able to becomeiemotionally involved
with someone i'm living with espically under the
circumstancesof having one year left of school . . . . b i
don't care as long as things don't get weird around the
apartment - - - - - - i feel liek shit - balah blah ablh -
night