Aa-chan

Diary of a Deranged Fangirl
2003-01-01 13:36:38 (UTC)

The Promise And Uncertanity Of 2003

So 2002 is now a distant memory. Oh god was a craptacular
year it was. First I don't get my customary raise, then
Michael is determined to get me fired for no apparent
reason, Carl annoying me constantly, then the horrors of
Anchorage, plus it didn't help that it was another glorious
8th year.... Oh god, and I ever glad to be rid of that
horrible year.

Normally I'm really really happy when the new year begins,
but this year, I'm rather depressed. I don't know if it's
because this was the first year I didn't have J'aime by my
side, but I'm just not looking forward to this year. Plus
Madame Kristin gave me a really half optimistic half
depressing tarot card reading. Chalked full of fortune and
romanitc misfortune and yet again the betrayl by a friend
card. I don't know if I'm strong enough to stand another
false friend jamming a knife in my back?

*Sigh*

I'm going to be blunt. I'm not the same person who when to
Alaska in August. I have lost a lot of myself. And even
worse is I don't know if I can ever get what of myself that
I lost back. That really really scares the hell out of
me. I lost that piece of me that wants to try new and
different things and I'm so scared that I've become a
coward. Scared to make my choices and decisions because if
I'm afraid that I'll make more bad choices and my life will
end up ruined.

Also everything is so damn uncertain right now! I don't
know if I really wanna go to Texas. I don't wanna live in
Philly anymore but I'm just short of options and really
fucking confused. I don't know what to do anymore. And
with this so-called "Unchangable" future Kristin as read
for me, the pronosis really doesn't look good.

A part of me is like Solid Snake, "A strong man doesen't
need to read the furture, he makes his own." Which is a
really good philosophy to adopt. I don't think anyone is
bound to any one fate. There is always room for change in
one's own life, be it good or bad. And here's the thing,
when I was in Alaska, I had promised myself that I didn't
wanna know what my future was anymore. Just let things
happen as they come....

*Mmm....*

No matter how bleak my future maybe, I'm going to set out
to prove the cards wrong. Granted I have a penchant for
self-distructive behaivor. And I don't mean by taking
drugs, drinking, and partying. Hell no!!! My self
distruction is always in stupid forms. Like setting goals
that I know I can never ever achieve. Sex is a huge
achillies heal for me. Being lazy to the point of
slothiness. Those are my typical self-distructive
patterns. But I want to prove the cards wrong!!! Amd
maybe Max will understand when I tell him what the cards
said.

*Oh new name!*

Okay, since this has been a really really long diary
anyways, I'm going to keep Max really breif for right now,
especially since we're still in the "talking" phase. But,
he's a former solider in the marines and has seen combat.
The man is a living breathing Solid Snake. He's born on
Valentines Day. Double Aquarians which is always cool.
Uh... There's some other stuff, but I can't really think
of it off the top of my head right now... But I'm
optimistic and leary at the same time. Especially since
the next "guy" I meet is supposed to be really really good
for me, then change me so much that I'm no longer the
strong willed "leader" I am, that I become a mindless
sheep, then stab me in the back, leaving me disillusioned,
and alone. I'll regress into a serious depression and
remain alone for a time.... Then I get all these uncertain
cards, which is unusual for me.

You wanna know something though. Kristin said you have to
put good feelings into the readings or at least go in with
an open mind. Truth be told, I was shuffling the deck in a
daze and barely asked my questions when she cut the deck.
So I won't let it get me all depressed maybe everything
isn't nearly as pointless as I put into it.

*Yawn*

Damn am I tired. Kristin has a new fish tank in her room
and the sound of running water is really annoying after
awhile, it was giving me a headache, so I came down here to
do my diary. And to top it all off we didn't go to bed
until close to four this morning. And it's nearly 8:30
now. I only really got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep.

Wah, when I go home my stupid cousins D'Andre and Jason
will be over playing video games with my brother. So I
know sleep is going to be an impossibility. Eh, oh
well... Guess I'd better just deal with it. Maybe I might
be able to get a nap in sometime during the day today.

Woo-hoo: Despite all that has happened or all that is
fortold to happen, which I'm determined to fight tooth and
nail now, I'm going into this year like every year. I'm
going to begin again and make a fresh start. The only
resolution I have though is I'm going to learn how to drive
this year and I sware before the end of the year I will
have my driver's license!!!!

Barf: Not enough sleep. Damn evil canniable gold fish.

Current Song: Nabiki Tendou's New Year's Song from the
Ranma 1/2 Calandar Songs Cd




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