2003-01-01 12:02:43 (UTC)

new years

ya know whats funny? i can type more coherently when drunk
than i can write with a pen. for a longer amount of time i
so its new years. this was a rough one. especially the
midnight part. for a good ten minutes before and after the
twelve o clock mark all i could see was chris. mainly just
chris sitting around in a circle with other alcoholic type
people. and even if he wasnt, even if he caved in and was
with friends, i felt him being sad, felt him feeling
defeated, felt him feeling not like chris, and i just could
not stop from crying, could not stop from only thinking of
as happy as i sometimes was tonight, i did just want to be
with him. wherever he was. it scares me that i would give
up so much at the drop of a hat just to be with him, just
to support him. at my age i guess especially, new years
with friends is a big deal. but i WANTED to go with him to
his clinic support group thing. thats where i wanted to be
how mara said, go to one of those al-anon things, and you
will see that is not who you want to be. and i went, and
its not, not who i want to be . i know who i am. i know
how i think, and what i do, and i know what my
interpretation of the world is. that just does not
translate into NOT wanting to be with him. so what? so what
i dont get drunk with my friends on new years? so what? so
what i dont get drunk with them as often as i could? i dont
care. i can do other things with them. i do do other things
with them. i would be 100% willing to give that part of my
life up. i dont care about it nearly as much as i care
about him. its not my youth. its stupidity. getting drunk
has always been an easy way of bonding. an easy way to say
and have the conversations that i wished i could when
sober. that s all really.
and i guess i have to see how it continues to go with him.
to really see what will happen but what i find everyday is
that i cant help but to wait and see, no matter how easy
totally cutting tings off may seem. seem likely , seem
easier. i almost love him more as every day goes on even
tho i am not seeing him. it is almost the same. i am just
as scared.
i just cant, right now, pay any attention to other men. i
dont see them. they just arent there for me. in my head i
just see him. and what scares me is i think i seee all of
him. all the bad things too. all the things that should
turn me off, but i see them all in the context of him and i
love it all, even the bad things. even the potentially
incurable things. i just love all of him. that a scaary
thing. and im not sure if this is right for me. if heis
right for me. but that decision is not up to me. its up to
the both of us. and i dont know when that decision will
take place, or if it already has and i am living in
oblivion. who knows
but luckliy i have these friends. these friends that i
think reallly are right from god/ i dont know where i got
them all fromm, but they keep me sane, and keep me happy
and keep me alive.