eidolon

shifting mists
Ad 0:
Want some cocktail tips? Try some drinks recipes over here
2001-09-05 04:33:50 (UTC)

i'm scared ...

... i feel all these feelings for you ... it's like a
landslide ... an avalanche .... and i'm scared because of
what has happened to me in the past ... because of the bad
judgements and choices i've made that have caused me to
believe that i can't trust my own judgement anymore .... and
i'm the snow racing down that slope and my brakes aren't
working as i slide down to you .. the ground ... waiting for
me at the bottom ... all my little emotional bits cascading
down ...

...i want to melt into you ... become warm soggy ground as
we combine together to make a new whole ... i've never been
known to be a patient person .... but i'm so scared ....
scared that instead i'll turn to ice and be broken into
shards again ... i'm not sure how many more times i can be
broken before i just evaporate away .... or scared that i
will bury you ... encase you within my freezing folds until
you can't breathe anymore and die ... i don't want that
either ...

... you have no idea how badly i want to just let things
flow ... to let them go as fast as they want to .... but ...
i'm too scared and so i don't ... i can't ... i hold back
and worry and fuss in my mind about all the things that
could or might go wrong .... my insecurities and doubts
swarming around me and making me feel like if i didn't know
exactly what it was i wanted i would be lost in those
thoughts ...

... i feel like my dreams are not accomplishable ...
unacceptable ... i feel ashamed of them and embarrassed by
them ... a very similar feeling to the one i feel when
asking for help ... perhaps because they are not the kind of
dreams that can be achieved on my own but are dependant upon
another as well ... and yet i can't discard them ... i want
them so badly you see ... but i worry whether i will be able
to confront my fears to get them ....

... i think of you so often ... so far away and yet not so
far really ... but still ... far enough to be not close
enough ... and i miss you ... i miss your presence and how
it calms me .... you make me feel at peace when i am in your
presence ... of course, i still worry ... but it is not
quite the same .... not as all consuming .... you make me
feel cherished and cared for ... you make me feel beautiful,
even if only in your eyes .. it is enough ....

... i catch myself thinking ahead ... thinking of the future
... thinking of what a future would be like with you ... and
i think of fulfilling my dreams ... the ones i've mentioned
before ... and the fear is huge ... fear of going for those
dreams and being shot down ... having them destroyed ... of
us not being able to fulfill them ... even though they are
so simple yet they feel so complicated ....


Ad:0