Kyden Conformity

self destruction introduction
2001-09-05 02:24:29 (UTC)

life in extremes.

Yesterday I left Steph at the bus stop and I was almost
tripping over myself with happiness and love. She was to
meet me back my flat in the evening to drink poppy seed tea
with me or something along those lines. She came back to me
hours late and drunk and something in my chest ached.

I got wasted alone on the poppy seed tea and tried to
control my inner turmoil while Steph, confused and somewhat
oblivous to my feelings, put her arms round me and tried to
sway my mood to her favour again. I can't tell rational
from irrational. I don't want to give in to her but I can't
tell if I'm being demanding and selfish.

I can't talk to her. there aren't any words I could speak
and even if there were I wouldn't be able to say them, as
if I'm suddenly mute.

Eventually I tell her and we come to some kind of
settlement but it doesn't really seem all that genuine to
me as if she doesn't really understand. But it is so
difficult. I can't speak and she just wants to leave the
situation and walk away..we both have to try and fight our
urges.

I spent much of the night awake and thinking about what it
is I feel and what I want to do, I didn't come to any
decisions at 4am in the morning - surprisingly (sarcasm
intended). I'm not used to this feeling of hurt, I thought
heart break was just a figure of speech, I think I used
the phrase 'it hurts my heart...' far too flippintly, now
that I understand what it's really like I'll be more
respectful.

But what am I to do?

I really want to be with her. She said she loves me. But
I'm so used to sweet words followed by hurt I find that I
can't take her seriously - even though I want to.
maybe I'm over-reacting. I apologized to her for my
behaviour this morning and made myself crazy with anger for
being so weak. Is this what love is? I don't think I like
it, if this is it. This living in extremes is making me
feel sick and dizzy.