Norma Jean

The Separation
2001-09-05 01:40:49 (UTC)

Day 10 of the Separation

Dear Diary,
This is the tenth day that my husband and I have been
separated. Don't know where to start...our marriage has
been on the rocks for a while (we have only been married a
little over 3 years). My husband is an alcoholic and
enjoys spending most of his time anywhere but here. I need
a husband who wants to be a family man...we do have one
child together and a stepchild. A day after our separation
I had it in my head that I could do better and would even
be better off without him...even managed to tell him that
is how I felt, too. Then the next day I saw him everything
was completely opposite...I only wanted to be with him and
be happy. Now our separation has gone from "it is over"
to "maybe we just need time apart to see how we really feel
about each other"...but does that really work. He has been
staying at his parents' house while I stay here...lay on
the couch all day and all night just waiting for him to
call or walk through the door and say, "I love you and
don't want to lose you! I want to work things out and be
with you forever" Then the reality sinks in that I might
not ever hear those words no matter how bad that I want
to. A friend told me that us breaking up might be because
there is something better for me out there...and I honestly
believed that for one whole night! Then I thought...I
don't want anyone else...I want my husband. He is who I
have been sleeping with and cuddling with, he is who makes
me want to watch NASCAR and ESPN (well, he does have the
remote), whenever he has back problems I try to help by
massaging his back, we have a bond and I do not want to
break it! I know that I want to be with him and only
him...but I am scared that by thinking that
this "separation" could mean a full recovery I might be
setting myself up for a really bad heart break. NJ