Midnight

The Nightshade Princess
2002-12-31 07:05:04 (UTC)

Hurt

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel..."
Those lyrics slip easily over my lips like water. I'm
lipsynching again. It's 1:30 in the morning and I doubt
I'll see my favorate hour this night... 3 am. The more I
think of it, the more I realize that time IS a stain. I
cringe as I examine it, knowing that there is no soap, no
drug strong enough to make it disappear. The future is,
and has always been, just as grim. What have we, if not
the present? I could scream right now and it wouldn't make
any fucking difference. My mother would wake, likely
breaking an appendage on the stairway. The demon would
still be there, as if made of stone, watching me with jaws
opened wide to receive.... but I would not be healed.
There IS no cure for what plagues me, and if there were...
I have explained this already. It's 1:32 AM, according the
the computer, whose clock is notoriously wrong, by about 15
minutes. I really should get to bed, as my caffeine buzz
has worn off and I'm babbling like a drunken idiot in a
ditch and making more spelling errors with each word
carelessly vomited forth into this cold, unfeeling void.
Either I'm spewing poetry or prophecy, or utter and
compelete incoherent bullshit. I won't know until
tomorrow... I'm not drunk but I wish I were, maybe I would
have a reason to be so... out of it... I don't know what
the hell I am saying, so it's almost just as good. It's
1:37 and I'm still fucking exhausted. CherryBleeds.com has
new shit posted, and, as usual, I am in awe. One of these
days, people, I'll come up with something for that site and
maybe, just maybe, I'll see it up there. For the moment
I'm still a slobbering, stumbling monster with a vaguely
female shape, and maybe that's all I'll ever be.
Love is all we need. Yeah, I know it seems to be a
big leap from self-loathing but welcome to my world. I am
in love. If I weren't in love I'd be rotting in a coffin
at the moment. I always have preferred passion to nothing
at all. This is really beginning to sound "off." In fact,
I may have this post deleted tomorrow, when, with a clearer
head I discover what I'm really saying. I really want to
scream. I enjoy the feeling of the sound leaving my throat
like bits of jagged, broken glass, the catharsis of the
action cleansing me totally. Unfortunately, aside from the
probable harm to others, the energy release is likely to
cause a physical collapse. I would like to void my skin of
all the makeup before passing out, Thank You Very Much...
maybe read some Lovecraft first. In fact, I believe I'm
going to do that now... Good morning, everyone. I can't
believe I'm so tired so early...