of little importance
explanation...to the best of my ability anyways
i am so completely tired of being judged. and you tell me
not to worry about it because there’s nothing i can do but
it’s a whole lot easier for you to say. yeah you say that
she judges you all the time too and she does but only to an
extent. she cares about you. and you say that she doesn’t
hate me well it sure feels like it. i’m sure that you’re
tired of me bitching about it but i don’t care. i need to
get it out and you’re not going to listen because you don’t
feel like talking about it. well i don’t either but if i
don’t get it out then it’s just going to get worse and
believe me you don’t want to see what will happen if it
gets worse. just trust me on that one. if you can.
you don’t have to be so submissive either. yeah if you
stand up for what you think you’re going to get in
trouble. but at least then you stood up for what you
believe. and you didn’t let anyone else believe something
for you. if you let someone tell you what to believe and
you don’t say differently then you’re letting them believe
something for you. while you yourself have no belief. if
you did you’d stand up for it or agree with them or
something. but no you just sit there unresponsive,
silent. fine whatever.
someday love is going to have to be worth the wrath. i
wish it was with me but i know it’s not. and you won’t and
can’t convince me otherwise. i know it’s easier especially
since i’m leaving to just not do anything. i understand
that. doesn’t mean i agree with it because i sure as hell
do not. you say you’re in love with me but last I checked
love was willing to do anything to prove itself. love
would do anything to defend love and love wouldn’t lie.
and maybe because you won’t defend me that’s why i’ve
started lying to you again.
maybe you just don’t consider me love anymore. maybe this
is just one way of holding on to me before i leave. then
when i’m gone you won’t have to worry about anything. you
won’t have to worry about what she thinks or lying or
proving yourself to me. you won’t have to prove yourself
to anyone then will you. won’t that be nice. no one to
hold you accountable and you won’t let me do so because you
won’t tell me what’s going on. already you’ve started
saying just read my diary because you don’t want to tell
me. let me tell you how personal a diary is. not very.
maybe this is just making it easier to let me go. if so
then great, don’t let me make anything difficult. in fact
why don’t you just write me off right now. then you won’t
even have to say goodbye. do what you want to make it
easier. forget how i or anyone else feels. i want you to
be happy and if this is what does it then don’t let me hold
you played that song for me yesterday and all i wanted was
to cry. not because of the song itself but because the
song was you. and how you feel. and it’s like no one
understands that i want to go away and i have to and i’m
going to. and no one will change that but they keep trying
and it’s making everything else so much harder. but i’m
still going and nothing can change that unless it’s so
drastic that it changes my life more than leaving will.
i’m going. end of discussion.
i don’t want to leave anyone but whether they’re left or
not is really their choice. you have to understand that
i’m not going to be a few minutes down the road and i won’t
call every other day. i won’t be home every weekend or
every two weekends and maybe not even once a month. i
don’t know and right now all i want is just to get away. i
will always be here for you, wherever here may be.
but no one can understand that.
and you say you want me to go but i don’t believe you. you
say you see what i need to get away from but i think you’d
still rather have me here and just tell everyone that i
left. so you could go on living in this pretend world that
we’ve created. i thought i could live in it. i was
wrong. but i’ll stay in it until the last moment. and
then, my part in this pretend world is over.
and maybe you hate me now for writing all of this. maybe
you think great now i’ve really lost her and i don’t know
what to do or how to do it to get her back. you haven’t.
and you still don’t believe me.
you may not be willing to go through thick and thin for me
but i’m willing to do it for you. which is why i’m writing
all of this. i’m frustrated with a lot of things right now
and a major one is not being able to be with you. and
sometimes i wonder if you even care if you’re near me or
not, as long as you’re quote with me.
whatever. in a week and a half it won’t matter will it.
so call me and we’ll talk about it or leave it alone and we
won’t. whatever. even if you do call to talk about it
won’t get resolved because i’ll be half asleep and you’ll
be too upset to talk it through and you’ll just let it go.
you know if you’d call me during the daytime before oh i
don’t know twelve o clock at night our conversations would
be a whole lot more productive. course if i saw you more
than once every four days they would be too. and i know
some of that hasn’t been your fault. most of it hasn’t.
but some of it has. and you’re upset and you’re wanting me
to stop writing. you wanted me to stop before i started.
but i can’t tell you any of this because you won’t hear
it. or i won’t get it all out. and maybe i don’t mean
everything i wrote right now, but at one time recently,
today, i’ve meant it.
tears slide down her cheeks
striking the keyboard
making tiny splashes as she types
hurt she screams through words
trying to make someone understand
knowing that everything she writes
will be taken the wrong way
but she has to get it out somehow
though it’s not all true now
it was and it will be sometime
if it doesn't get written out
i love you and as much as you don’t believe that statement
that’s how much i do.
i want to be with you and as much as you don’t see that
longing that’s how much i do.
i’m not mad at you.
and you don’t believe me.
i’m tired of trying to make you believe me and trying to
prove that i can be believed. i already know that i can’t
be and shouldn’t be so i’m done. you said you trust me
well then trust me. i’m not asking you to. and i’m not
telling you to. i’m saying you should be who you are and
follow through on what you say. and i know that i’m not
one to preach on that but then again maybe because of who i
am then i am the one who should be saying something about
that. maybe i’m the only one who can. but whatever. hear
me or don’t. it’s up to you now.
i do love you.
i'm wondering if we should have started this again. if
things weren't better before. not all of them were, and
they're better now. but some things were much better
i think i've lost you again. you're not being my best
friend along with everything else. it's like...one thing
had to stop for the other to go on. and i'm thinking...if
i can't have both then i would much rather have my best