humming bird

my F***ed up head
2002-12-30 19:52:19 (UTC)

crap

ok so yeah yesterday i had jason over here and he was
chillin with me and the girls and my bro and his friends
cuz my rents went to a football game and i realized this...
before i thought that i was actually like over jason and i
would be completely fine with the just friends thing and
that if he ever wanted to get back together i would be able
to tell him no if i wanted to... ya know? but then
yesterday i lost that, i dont know why but in this one
moment i realized that i didnt have the power in this whole
situation. he had been getting along with my brother and it
was so weird and then i wanted to play darts and he had
gone outside to have a cigarette and i went out and sat
with him and then i was outside smoking a cigarette and
everyone had gone in and he stayed outwith me and i told
him he didnt have to stya and he was just like "no, its
cool, you sat outside withme earlier when i had one" and
then he played darts with me and in this one moment while
we were playing i realized that i was in my house playing
darts with jason and its was fun and i was so comfortable
and how much i wanted to be able to be like flirting with
him and touching him and huging him and i realized that if
he ever kissed me i would melt, i would die, i remember the
way he kissed, thinking about it literally gives me
butterflies in my stomach, it felt like the way i was spose
to be kissed, i never got tired of it, i never could have
enough of it, it was...perfect and i realized that the way
he was to me was perfect, like i looked at him and remember
falling in love with him and looking at him and realizing
that he was what i wanted in a guy, everything about him.
no ones perfect until u fall in love with them... but yeah
so i realized that ...and im screwed, but thats ok, it'll
work out im sure....gotta go, peace
julz