Short Stuff

Shortie's Personal Thoughts
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2002-12-30 19:38:56 (UTC)

Life sucks at the moment

How personal could a person get then a diary? Maybe dis
will help me out. Not like everybody doesn't know I got a
messed up life. Maybe writing my thoughts down and sorting
them out will gimme a damn grip on things. I still don't
understand how things mananged to get this messed up. Man I
went from being happy and pretty much staying outta trouble
to constantly in some kinda shit, no friends, my ma tearing
me away from the guy I want a future wit, and no family
relationship. Ma keeps asking me do I wanna stay or do I
wanna leave. Fuck if I could leave I would, but theres
something holding me here. This is my family, my life, why
the hell should I run away from it. I made these choices,
took the wrong opportunities, what gives me the right to
turn my back to all of it and start new. I need to fix
this. If I don't fix this now its going to come back to me
later and its gunna kick my ass. She doesn't see it like
that though. She has no idea how I think about things. Shes
stuck in what I did while I'm ova here trying to fix things
for the future. Dats whats scaring me, shes not gunna let
me forget any of this. I deserve this to a point, but I
really need her to help me get past it not rub it in. All
of this drains so much from me. I want my mom back so bad,
and I want my life back too. But I don't wanna give up
Evan. Why can't she work with me on this? She pins the
problems I'm having on him and otha guys dat I've been
with. I let people influence me, and I can see where shes
coming from, but I honestly think that shes making it worse
on the both of us trying to take him away. I don't want to
give him up and shes gunna make me choose, and I'm afraid
its gunna be him and da gap between me and her is gunna be
forever there. I want to say the relationship with him has
never caused problems, but that would be a lie because I
know it has. One time. But I don't even look at that as
creating problems. It was a situation I could have done
better in her eyes, but I think I did a smart thing. He was
going to pick me up so we could go out, but it was too
late. Thinking I could be responsible and make my ma
happier I told him to just come over, since he had already
come to the house two other times and my ma had meet him.
Little did I know dat was a dumb move. Evan ended up coming
over late because he took his good natured time. And of
course ma walks out about 12:15 and we were on the couch
kissing. Evidently she took this as the whole reason I
wanted to see him, and said I was sneaking behind her back.
HOW THE FUCK COULD SHE SIT THERE AND SAY I WENT BEHIND HER
BACK? That wasn't my intentions and it pisses me off
because she should see that. Then she decided to say I
couldn't be with him. Oh I'm sorry I love my ma but that
was a big mistake. There is no way in hell, with her
knowing me, should she have taken something like that away
from me. She doesn't realize anything when it comes to
that. Shes still stuck in that thinking. That I shouldn't
be with him. She says we disrespected her. You know, if I
wanted to disrespect her, I woulda left the house, and
stayed out, but did I? No, I thought I was being
responsible and stayed at home. I wasn't giving him head,
we weren't fucking, nada. JUST KISSING AT HOME. But I was
disrespecting her, and it grew from there. I did not
intentionally disrespect her dispite what she believes. But
after that I did nothing to show I did respect her. She
treated me like a child and it pissed me off so I said fuck
it. Knowing now what I didn't think about then, I shouldn't
have, but I can't change what I did. Then she proceeded to
tell me I couldn't be with him because of my grades. And
now I can't be with him because we disrespect her. This is
taking a lot out of me. More tomorrow. Holla *~shortie*~


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