The Muffin Man

My Favorite Courdaroys
2002-12-30 15:30:29 (UTC)

A new day, A new life, A new something in between

Im tired. Oh so very tired. Tired of wandering aimlessly around the
earth. Tired of crying about how trika got away. Tired of living
life in fear that I'll never find the one again. Tired of feeling
like my heart got smashed on sharp jagged rock. Im just sick of it
all. I dont want to live in the past. I want to live in the now. I
just want everything to be fine. I dont care anymore. I just wanna
be happy. Let the little things be a big thing in my life. Just
dammit I dont want to be all depressed and pissed off about
everything. Its not worth it. Fuck dude, I just want to be my own
indivual. Im sick and tired of being somebody for everybody. Im
sick of making everybody but me happy. I want some me time when Im
around people. I want them to make me happy. I know thats selfish
but fuck I give everything to people and in return I get walked all
over. They say hey he did once why wont he let us do it again.
Trika fucking trampled me when I was with her. I gave her everything
I had and got oh so little in return. She drained me and when she
had nothing more to squeeze out of exhausted body she left me. I
cant blame her. Im not the best looking guy, not the most talented
guy, not the most athletic. But who gives a fuck right. I was a
welcome mat. One of those ones that say welcome in big letters but
is really just there so you can wipe your muddy shoes off. Yeah
thats what it felt like. I'll listen to you and all your problems.
But you dont have to listen to mine. Ill call you and talk to you
till 3 in the morning even though it was my senior year and I had
homework and had worked all night and knew it would rack up my long
distance. I'll let you take your anger and mood swings out on me and
you dont have to apologize but if I get upset at you Im making it up
for the next month kissing your feet doing anything you want. I got
played for emotions and strung along as a free ride. She leeched my
money out of me and when she came to visit me dumped me in the gutter
after the big night of my senior ball. What did I do to deserve it?
I asked to spend a little time with her. This had me a controlling
bastard. Jeeze I didnt know it was so wrong to spend a little time
with the person that supposedly was hopelessly devoted to me like I
was to them. A person whos main reason of coming was supposedly so
she could go to my senior ball with me. And what had I asked. She
come over for one afternoon and have dinner with my faimly. What an
asshole I was. And when I got upset cause she wouldnt talk to me oh
heaven forbid. Lets start this whole im gonna rebel and live like im
a kid again and get grounded every other day. She didnt even have
the decency to break up in person. Thats low. You were here and you
easily could have seen me one last time so you could see the tears I
cryed, see my heart shatter into a billion tiny peices. So you could
count each and every tear and know that each one was creating a
cynical bastard who would hate the world and loathe the day he heard
the name patricia lindsay bott. But no even when I try and hate you
even when I try and say you dont me shit to me, I somehow cant get
you out of my heart. For some sick reason I still love you. I dont
know maybes its because you stole a year and a half of my life.
Just left me bleeding and licking my wounds for a whole summer.
Maybe its because you were the only one who ever showed me what real
love could be. Well what the fuck. I got strung along so bad. She
got my money, my love, my attention, everything I had. I was left an
empty shell when she dumped me. It feels good to vent. And Ive
probably offened someone in the process of doing so. Cause thats how
it always work. I feel better after venting and then someone leaves
some feedback telling me how wrong I am and pulling some guilt trip
on me. Well I fucking had enough of that in a relationship and I
dont need it anymore. Im tired venting on this thing so Im gonna
go. Laters.

-Matt-