Static and Silence
2001-09-04 15:38:42 (UTC)


Here it is….Tuesday morning….but it feels like a Monday…
uggh. I am at work for the first time in a week. Now I
get to play “catch up” since I am a week behind. I am
convinced that we as Americans need to take a cue from our
European counterparts. We work too many hours. Those
wacky Europeans know how to do things right. I have a
friend from France. He works 6 hour days….they get two
months of vacation time….they realize that there is more to
life than one’s job. What can we expect here in the
States….we are only a few hundred years old as a nation.
Take a look at Great Britain. Oh sure, they can’t figure
out modern plumbing…..(I spent a month in Scotland in the
summer of ’99…plumbing???What’s that??!)….and their cows
are going off the deep end…..but at least they know the
value of having a personal life! Can you tell I don’t want
to be at work today?

So, what’s on my agenda for today??? I have to go to the
ER (I work in a medical center) and work on the wireless
LAN that I am implementing. This will allow the ER doctors
to carry portable devices (laptops and handhelds) and be
connected to the network sans cables. I have a degree in
geology…so tell me how I wound up working in this field???

So, what do I want to write about today. I think I’ll take
a break from talking about my past and just write some
thoughts I’ve been having lately.

I’ve noticed that many people that write here on this board
share a common theme in their writings. Many of us seem to
be sad and forlorn…..there is a particular commanality that
centers on relationships. The relationships that I am
talking about are the one’s that develop between two people
that care for one another. Why do these relationships have
to be so difficult??? I think most people just want to be
happy and to feel wanted and loved. If that is something
that we all share then why does it seem so hard to come by?

I am a deeply romantic and caring person. I am a bit old
fashioned…but not so much so that It seems antiquated. I
enjoy doing things for those I care about….I still hold
open the door…pull out a chair….it’s just my way. Remember
the girl I wrote about previoulsy….Melissa (the stripper) …
the one that ripped my heart out??? Do you know what one
of her major complaints about me was??? She said I
was “too nice”…TOO NICE??!!? She said I was wrapped around
her little finger. I didn’t understand that back then…but
I do now. In the years since that time I have grown much
as a person. I am still nice…but I am not a doormat. I no
longer let people walk all over me. If I am dating someone
I do not have to like the music they like….I do not have to
eat the foods that they like….I can be me….the real me….the
nice, caring, romantic, compassionate me. I have my
interests and likes….and not everyone has to like them
either. I don’t have to spend every waking moment with
someone….I have a life…they have a life. I love doing
things with the person I love…but I don’t want to smother
or be smothered. I think I love too much sometime…and as
good as I am at building walls….when my walls come down, my
heart is on my sleeve….and all too often it winds up
trampled on the floor.

When I think about the relationships I have had….I do not
regret any of them (there have only been 3 serious ones).
Good or bad, they have made me who I am today. Will I
find “THE” one for me??? Am I going to forever be searching
for that woman that makes me feel complete??? Do I need
another person to make me feel complete??? I believe in
soulmates. I believe that the relationships that I have
been in were with my soulmates. You see, I think a
soulmate is someone that comes into your life for a
reason….to allow you to grow. They may only be there for a
short time….then they are gone. However I also believe
there are people out there that are meant to be in our
lives forever. Will I ever find the one for me? They say
opposites attract. Well I don’t know who “they” are…but
opposites do not always attract. I think two people need
to have enough in common to come together….but enough
differences to stay together.

I like to read, write poetry, practice my swordsmanship,
collect rocks, play my guitar, low whistle, keyboard,
listen to music, tend to my herb garden, cook, go hiking,
rock climbing and bouldering, go swimming, shodo (Japanese
calligraphy)…. Am I to expect that I will find someone
that likes everything I do??? Do I want to be with someone
that despises all of these things??? Or can I find someone
with some shared interests…and maybe I will be exposed to
things they like to do that I can share in as well. The
last choice is what I would like to think we are all
looking for. How come it seems so damn hard?

What about Chemistry? You know…that feeling you get around
some people….that flutter in your chest…your temperature
rises slightly….you can’t stop thinking about that
person….you shake when they are near. You just long to
kiss them….to feel your lips on their neck….to feel their
hair in your fingers….to be so close you can smell their
sweet skin. You daydream and fantasize about them all the
time. You know how good things can be….if only. That’s
chemistry. Chemistry can’t be one sided. It has to be
mutual….otherwise it’s just infatuation. If it’s one
sided….you are doomed to heartbreak every time.

I am tired of heartbreak…I am tired of feeling alone in a
crowded room.

We all want to be loved….?