Unexpected Mysteries
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2001-09-04 09:25:29 (UTC)

Monday 9/3

Didnt do much today, I had a little time to myself, mostly
did laundry. Another boring holiday, until 11am. I saw
Nick, it was nice he came over for a little while. Derrick
was home, but he does not know about Nick and myself.

Anyway, he came over and it was really nice to see him,
after days of his hybernation. Sarah, went crazy seeing
him. It was nice, I thought he might have a little time on
his hands, knowing that Sarah was going to the beach with
her father, but all I got was an email saying how much fun
he had coming over, and seeing me, and how it's gonna be
nice when we are all together, how I bring such joy to
him. Ok, that's all nice. I don't even want to get into
it I'm tired of thinking about it. Something interesting,
I received a call from Tony, he's a guy I met while out
with Nick, he comes in and out of town, and we see
eachother, we are friends, he's cool, but he wants to fuck
me. And to be honest, I'm not interested, he does not turn
me on that way. But he's good company, whenever he comes
to town.

I woke up at 1:00am and I couldnt get back to sleep, I've
been thinking about, not having a job, and getting my car
registered, and Sarah's child care situation. Just too
much on the brain. I asked myself, when am I going to get
my shit together. Do I need a Mentor, someone that I can
consult with, talk to and try and stay focused. I don't
know what the fuck I need. I'm feeling insecure that maybe
I can't be or take the pressure of being an Admin. what
happen to me. I use to be able to take anything, instead
of just leaving. What's going on in my life. I know I
want to leave this house so that Sarah and I can live, I
want to make a good living so I won't be struggling with
her. Man, am I screwed up or what. I keep praying for
answers something to get me jump started, I'm looking for a
job, what's holding me back, is it fear...fear that I won't
make it, the fear of failure, so I stay in my comfort zone
until I've had enough or taken enough hits of struggling,
I'm ready.....I may be ready in my heart, but my mind had
to play catch up.

Well today is Sarah's first day of school, I'm ancious as
to how my day is going to go. I have a doctors appt. at
10am, I had a job interview at 10am, school starts for
Sarah at 8am, so how in the fuck am I going to make all
those appointments at the same time. Well I know that job
is paying 8.50, which the drive isnt worth it, and I have
to stay with Sarah until I meet her teacher, and she feels
comfortable with me being there for a while, then there's
the doctors, I must go to that one, so I can let these
fuckin idiots know that I'm getting my health together.
Man, this shit is too much.

Why couldnt I have the type of life where, I didnt have to
work unless I wanted to, have a child, take care of the
household, and go to school parttime and develope myself,
cook dinner, work out at the gym, have a wonderful
supportive husband be inlove with a guy who was sucessful,
have a nice car, we go to church, a dog, and be able to go
on family vacations once a year, and whatever career I
decided to take up, I'd be sucessful and I'd have some type
of self fulfillment, make money, contribute to the
household, and I did forget having a nice house, which
would be nice, live in a neighborhood where there are tree
lined streets, children playing in the neighborhood, so
Sarah could grow up with kids and develope relatinships,
instead of not being able to speak spanish because the
neighborhood is latin or the the others are fucked up and
you don't want your kid associating with the other kids or
you don't trust their parents in the neighborhood. God,
how did I choose this life over anything else. I didnt
have a fucking choice......

Man I want a different life. How am I going to get it.
All I want is the basic, what is fucking wrong with that.
As I crave for a cigerette, I've done so good, don't think
I've smoked for a couple of days, except for yesterday, I
had two, which was so comforting, it taste so good, I have
longed for it. Guess I'll go and smoke, I can't go back to
sleep. Well I was just dreaming, don't think I'd ever have
something nice. I'd die poor, have a great kid, give her
the soild values that were given to me, some of my own too,
I wasnt always this fucked up. I guess it's true, life's a
Bitch then you die.
Well until today, I'll see what happens. I just want a
chance to make a difference in my future today.

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