Krazy Kat

My Psychotic Ramblings
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2002-12-29 19:36:08 (UTC)

Catching Up

I haven't really been sleeping much lately. I went, I
think, a week straight without sleep. Close to it,
anyway. The past couple of nytes I've slept a little bit.
I haven't got more than 5 hrs of sleep a nyte since
September, and I next to never sleep during the daytyme.
If I do it's just like an hour long nap. It's really
bizarre. I'm doing everything I know to do to get sleep.
Neither my shrink nor my T is helping me in this
situation. It's just like every since it hit me that
Sinclair isn't coming back, I couldn't sleep.

Two nytes was weird tyme, but not all that more weird than
my average nyte. I woke up at 01:00 after 3 hrs of
sleep...so I guess it was this morning, but whatever. I
woke up at exactly 01:00 this morning as well. I felt
rawther weird when I awoke. The nyte was utterly crayze &
scary.  Just eerie. I was seeing & hearing things, having
crayze thoughts that threw me into panic attacks, I kept
getting all teary with thinking about some sad things, my
OCD was upset, and I felt physically sick.  I kept getting
hurt, too.  I HAD to readjust my shelves..at 3AM for god's
sake, what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!  I was chatting
online, and I kept looking at the shelf, I couldn't get it
out of my mind that it needed to be at a different level &
such.  The need to change it got stronger and stronger
until I couldn't sit here, I had to fix the shelves.  But
the brackets don't fit well.  They are harder than steel to
get out & especially back in.  Maybe because they are
steel?  Yeah. Eah, well, I sliced my hand open in two
places.  And I couldn't stop messing with the shelves until
I was finished, so I got blood all over the place.  But
hey, I got the fuckers back in and my shelf is at the level
I want now, so things are cool.  So I was up until 8 in the
morning with this stuff going on.  Then I didn't want to do
anything and didn't give a flying pancake about anything,
so I laid down...and I actually fell asleep. It seems I've
been sleeping better, but I just can't STAY asleep.

On a brighter note, Murdock was feeling her oats on that
weird nyte. I had her back in my room for about a week.
In one sleep-period I had two dreams about her, so I moved
her back in with me for a while. I never saw her move,
until that nyte. And she wasn't just crawling around, she
was trying to get out. So I got her out for a while. I
hadn't gotten her out in months because she never wanted
to. Simon wasn't interested in her...unlike Sinclair, who
would always run straight for her when he saw her, but I
put Simon outside of my room anyway. Murry didn't walk
around much, and I was worried I'd get up and step on her
because I kept forgetting she was out. She got all
aggressive with me when I went to put her back in her box.
She crawled into my house shoe, so I just put the house
shoe in the box and things were cool. I got it back,
though. In the morning I moved her back into the little
bedroom. I dunno, I miss her, but her crickets are
annoying. I don't think they help my sleeping prob all
that much. Though, I don't notice me getting any less
sleep with them in here. Well, I was real nice to see my
Murdock moving around & be active.

I didn't feel so crayze last nyte. It seems more boring to
be awake all nyte when you feel half way sane, but I'm
grateful my thoughts weren't throwing me into panic attacks
and that I'm not hallucinating...(or am I??), because I got
pretty scared last nyte.  I mean, the train that I heard
stopped just north of here was full of terrorists & bad men
and they were coming after me...in the meantyme moon was
falling & the diseased monkeys in the trees were
contagious...(Now really, how can one expect me to enjoy a
cig with crap like that going on?).  I came in and got a
drink of water. It tasted "dusty" to me and I couldn't
stand to drink it. Maybe it was stale, or maybe I've lost
it again. Those were all stupid thoughts, and I don't know
where they came from or why I thought them. I was worried
I was getting psychotic, but who knows.

I thought I was safe in my room until I tried to go to
sleep...then there was a giant bug buzzing around and I was
afraid it was going to bite or sting me so I had to stay
under the covers where I could hardly breathe.  I think
maybe an airplane was circling around above my house real
fast.  Well, maybe not, but...may-be.

My birthday went quite well. I got just what I wanted... 
A new Crucifix.  It's only slightly different from my old
one.  I don't think this one is made as well...won't last
as long.  But we'll see.  That's all I wanted, but I was
given other things as well. Some money and things. My mum
made me this really neat Spider-Man cake and Noah came
over. Not once did I want to die...for the whole day.
Usually I desire that every day for multiple tymes.

Christmas went okay, too. We opened our presents on
Christmas Eve for whatever stupid reason. But we got our
stockings on Christmas morning, and that was nice. I got
this awesome Spidey hat that is Velcro in the back like I
like. It's whyte, grey, & black-my favourite colours.  So
it is like a perfect hat.  My father's parents in NC gave
me some money...but I think I'm just going to save it. 
There's really nothing I want, but I kinda need a coat at
tymes.  I have enough money to get one, but I can't find
one I like...so whatever, it's hardly ever cold here
anyway. My mum's parents came to visit us. That didn't go
too bad for once.

Well, my shrink-no-longer increased my Geodon...That was
Thursday.  Naturally I start hallucinating and crap even
worse after that.  And he put me on Lexapro.  It's
basically just like Celexa.  Only it's supposed to be
better.  And my OCD got upset the 2nd day I took it...and I
remember that happening once when my Celexa was increased. 
So well, I get a med change and I go nuts.  That's
wonderful.  The shrink doesn't listen to a friggen word I
say and he doesn't believe what he does hear...so I'm
searching for a new shrink.  Then I called my T and told
her I didn't want to see her again, so I have to get
another therapist, too.  In the mean tyme, my case manager
had her baby, and the lady that is supposed to take over
for her hasn't called me.  It's like...I'm falling apart
and I don't have a shrink, a therapist, a case manager, a
boyfriend...or even a friend.  I dunno.  It's like, I'm
alone here.  Well, it's me & Simon & Tobey.  They are my
friends still.  But it's not the same as having a person-
friend.  But they can't hold me...I can only hold them. 
And Tobey isn't much anymore.  She doesn't help me.  I can
be holding her and still freak out or have nytemares.  She
doesn't have the power she used to.  I don't know what
happened.  I suppose I ran her dry like I seem to do to
everyone.  I still Love her and she's a friend.  But she's
not a super-friend anymore.

Noah is still my boyfriend...but he is a shitty boyfriend. 
He says so himself.  I guess he just doesn't Love me enough
to change his ways.  I dunno why his head is up his ass so
far, but you'd think he'd look out his navel every once in
a while to see me.....See if I'm still alive or whatever. 
Nay, that doesn't happen.  It hurts me that he thinks so
little of me.  He's definitely not the right guy for me...I
knew that all along.  I enjoy being with him, and I Love
him, but not in the sense that I would ever want to marry
him or anything.  He says he Loves me, though he's not even
trying.  It hurts.  Why does it even matter?  He doesn't
understand and he doesn't try to.  I dunno.  I think I
understand TOO MUCH sometymes.  Those little guys in the
walls...they explain a lot to me.  Maybe I don't want to
hear it, maybe I never did.  Maybe they have done corrupted
me and there's no hope left.  I have been ruined.  Maybe it
wasn't the little guys that killed the light, maybe it was
the bad guys.  I gave a copy of my poem about the bastards
to Noah, and he never responded.  I dunno...  maybe he
doesn't have words to tell me how he feels about the
content, but he could at least tell me how the fucking
writing was for crying out loud.  Maybe he doesn't know
good writing from his own, or maybe he can't put himself at
my level to understand my pain... It must be something
like that.  It's all b.s.  He's lucky I don't have a
gun...Real lucky.  I would like to blow out his brains..but
I swear, he's picked his nose so much he's been pulling out
his brains the past 5 years or so.  It's all air now,
buddy...  And he gets so far up there, I worry he'll
completely disappear.  Hmm, I dunno, guess I could put a
bullet into his cold heart.  Yeah, that'll do it just fine.

For some reason every conversation I've had in the past few
days has included Sinclair...I can't stop thinking about
him.  I don't know what it is.  I see things and associate
it with my Sinclair. Everything reminds me of him, it
seems. I look at my pics of him over & over again and wish
so badly I had more of them.  I want him to come from the
pictures into my arms and be tangible & alive and with me
again.  I look at Simon & think of Sinclair.  Have it be
that my Sinny was here...I wonder how he'd be feeling, what
he'd be up to, what his mannerisms would be in different
situations, if he'd still do this or that, what he would be
like now. I think of how it's so difficult to sleep, and I
remember Sinclair and how he would relieve me and put me to
sleep at nyte and come over to me when I woke up crying and
lick away my tears...stay with me until I was asleep again.

I remember back when I was allowed to smoke in my cavern.
Sinclair...that lil guy, he always followed me in there. I
mean, he would get up from a nap just to go smoke with me.
He didn't mind the smoke at all. I always laid down on my
back and smoked. I would let Sinclair lick my hair at that
point providing I didn't mind it being messed up. If I
didn't want him to lick my hair, he patiently laid by my
side and I petted him. As soon as I put my cigarette out
and got up, he did too, and he followed me to my room. He
was always following me around and wanting to be with me.
He cried at my bedroom door to get in and see me if he got
shut out of my room. I felt Loved & wanted & needed. I
felt special, because this special kat Loved & trusted me &
belonged to me.

I think unhappy thoughts about him, too. I remember my
father telling me that he had got hit last nyte that
morning. I didn't seem to feel anything at that moment. I
just said, "No, no." Dave hugged me and told me it was
okay to cry, but I didn't allow myself to cry. I pushed
the feelings down as far as I could. I followed Dave out
into the garage and he got Sinny, who he had put into a
black trash bag. He laid him down by me and I pulled the
bag back from his head. He was starting to smell of
death. He wasn't bloody or anything, but he was dirty. I
stroked his face and felt his cold ears. I had to go to
see my shrink, and I told him my kat had got hit and killed
last nyte. But I wouldn't say anymore about the
situation. I think it was around noon that we buried him.
The ground was too hard for me to dig up a hole, so Bill
dug the hole. I held Sinclair and rocked his lifeless
body. He was gone. My best friend...gone. Why? Why my
best friend & everybody's favourite kat? Why is it always
like this? First my best friend and bro, Brad, leaves me.
All the friends I ever had ditch me. I didn't want to risk
being hurt like that again. But then, Shelby had Quincy,
and I fall in Love with him. I allowed myself to feel
again, 3 year after I lost my older bro. My heart was just
ripped open again after only a short period of being with
him. I literally went insane after I lost him...The
bestest friend I've ever had, my baby, my PenQuin, lil
Quincy. He went away, too. And now my best friend, Sin-
Sin.

But I wonder what my last words to Sinclair was, and were
they Loving words? Did he leave this world feeling Loved?
Gods, I hope he felt my Love then & that he can now.

He got hit around the tyme I got home from Noah's...around
midnight. Was he coming from that field and hurriedly
crossing the street to get to me? Was it somehow my
fault? Maybe humans weren't intended to have something as
great as my Sinclair was, and therefore the gods took him
from me. It doesn't seem fair, though maybe he was taken
from me because of something I did. I don't really know or
understand the rationale or the why & wherefore. I only
know it hurts and I'm at a loss.

I miss him so so much.  I need him here again.  I don't
think I can make it without him.  I've made it a ways
already, yeah...around four months, but it just gets harder
each sleep nyte I'm without him.  I need him.  I need
someone who Loves me and can make me feel Loved.


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