2001-09-04 05:13:15 (UTC)

Tuesday, 4 September, 2001

Well, I did end up talking to Steve tonight, but only for
about an hour. It was pretty fucked really... I mean, it
took me long enough to get onto messenger, and then both
our computers were playing up. I had to leave early to get
ready to go out, but either way we wouldn't have talked
that much because he was really tired and shit. I'm not
worried though, I'm just glad that I got to talk to him,
even if it wasn't for very long. I dont need to talk to him
for hours on end each day; I'm grateful for any time I get
to spend with him. I just wanted to know that he was okay,
thats all.
I do tend to worry a bit too much about Steve, knowing me
I'll probably have grey hair before I'm 25! I cant help it
though, I really do feel helpless being so far away. I
know I'm _just_ a girl, but I would do anything to protect
him, even though its normally the other way around. It
worries me that he's in his prime, I mean, my brother is
only a year younger than Steve is, and he's getting into
fights and doing typical guy stuff. I know Steve is
different than that, but still.. I dont want Steve to wake
up one day when he's 30 and realise that I basically fucked
up his life :( I sometimes feel like I'm holding him back
from doing what he wants... we talk more or less each day,
and although I try to give him the freedom that he wants,
he doesn't take it. Its very easy for me to maintain a
social life (if I want to!) and keep talking to him on a
regular basis because I talk to him in the early morning
hours, like 1am - 4am. All I'm missing out on is sleep,
and I make up for that at other times, believe me! But
Steve, well, all he does is go to college, come home and
talk to me, sometimes twice a day. Sometimes he goes out
with his friends to play football (like yesterday) but
still... I want him to be able to live his life, too. All
I ask for is that he finds the time to fit me in somewhere,
I dont care for how long, or when. I'm pretty flexible
because I dont really go to uni that much, and when I do,
its not at the times we'd be talking anyway. Steve doesn't
go to parties or anything like that, although I'm not
really disappointed about that! I'd go crazy if he did
that all the time. Sheesh... I dont know, I just want him
to be happy. If coming on here and talking to me makes him
happy, then I'm glad.
Well, all I did today was go out with my mom and grandma.
We went to this pub sorta thing on the street that grandma
lives on, and played the pokies and had lunch. I dont see
grandma all that often so it was good to see her. She used
to come down here a fair bit but then she fell and broke
her hip and now she can barely walk, so we have to visit
her, and not the other way around. I didn't win any money,
god I suck at the pokies. Some people have the touch,
others dont... my mom won some, but not much; just enough
to pay for lunch and some drinks. I found out that Grandma
is a bit Scottish.. I'd love to be Scottish ;) She's also
from Leeds, doesn't that suck??? I know Leeds is a dump
and all, but still... just the name Leeds is good enough
for me ;) My mom's friend Kerry had her baby today, its
called Steven. I think.. or maybe Stephen. Sheesh... that
must be name of the year or something! If Steve and I do
get married and have kids and call our son Steven, then it
will be interesting to watch at family reunions... half the
family will respond when someone calls out "Steven"!
Well, better finish this off here. I just thought that I'd
come online and write now while I could, before the kids
come back from school - then Shaun's girlfriend will ring
about 15 times and I wont be able to get online again until
I talk to Steve later tonight. I'm looking forward to
talking to him again. Like I said, I didn't really get to
talk to him much this morning, but it was good just knowing
that he was okay, and that he was missing me as much as I
was missing him :( Well, I'm off. Signing off, Cher.