FA2ANGEL

FA2ANGEL
2002-12-29 16:57:23 (UTC)

Pointless Wandering Questions 29-12

So last night Im up til about 1:30 waiting like a fool to
get a call from a person I know I shouldnt be wasting my
time waiting for with.It's starting again. The same routing
repeating itself as it always does. Why am I dealing with
it now? This is the type of thing I would give advice to
friends to stay away from or get away from if they were
already in it. Dont let yourself be a tool and dont let
yourself be weakened. Be who you are and do what makes you
happy and if anyone intrudes on that..fuck em.. boot their
ass and never think twice about it.
Its odd too ya know... cause normally..normally Im not like
this. Normally I can push anyone away, I can keep anyone
out, and I do it well. Yea I feel bad but when I feel
threatened or like Im too involved and it comes down to it,
I always come out of it. Maybe that makes me weak that I
run away and maybe thats what Im scared Id be if I gave up
on this now. Maybe Im just too scared to face that the one
person I want most attention from could care less if I was
there to give it or not.
I talked to Jon last night and he helped me clear my ahead
a lot, as did Nate and venting to Brigid helped a bit as
well. Thanks guys. But damn, talking to Jon and reading
some of the stuff he said.. he knew exactly what I was
going through and he's right... staying in this only pushes
you deeper into depression and makes it harder to get out
the longer you stay. I need to stop. Im just so god damn
scared that Im never gonna feel the way that I feel now
again. Or the way I felt before since the way I feel now
isnt anything at all comparable to how I felt at first. I
just want something stable in my life for once. I crave
that so much because not once in my life have I ever had
it. Not once. The people I get close to always leave. These
are the things I expect. Probably why I push so many people
away when I get so close to them. I sit here and wonder if
anyone I care about that I push away will someday not let
me do it to them and hold me down and tell me they arent
going anywhere and that I have nothing to be afraid of.
Someone safe. But when I push people away that never
happens. It's always the same outcome, some cry, some get
pissed, and Im left with an empty feeling inside because
they think that I dont care at all but its exactly the
opposite. Im just too scared to say it out loud. Who knows.
Maybe Im being selfish. I should try a little harder to be
stronger and hold on to the things I want the most. Ive
forgotton how to though, and you wouldnt believe how
fucking difficult it is to get back to that place when you
feel like youre always on your own.

Im searching for a hand reaching out.

I get woken up to a call at 3 this morning from the person
I was waiting for. Not to mention that when someone wakes
you off you get an immense feeling like you want to scream
at someone anyway so now Im really frustrated that after
lying in bed for an hour trying to fall asleep and finally
doing it the dickhead wakes me up. After all the worrying,
after all the talking to people telling me what a shitface
the person was and this is what they say... 'Sorry I didnt
call sweetie, I went to a movie with Buddy. I just got
home.' Well isnt that a pity because if they had called me
I could of gone out and done something with the 20 million
people I blow off everyday to hang out with them since they
get pissed if Im not there when they need me. Well Im not
waiting around anymore for someone who isnt there for me
when I need them. But I never have the courage to voice
that. Never. So I sit there and say 'Yep. Was Jess there?'
They respond telling me she was and that they 'think her
and buddy are gonna hook up. Shes wicked cool.' Wicked
cool. Gee, I dont even get that. I def dont come close to
ever feeling like that when Im around. She makes him laugh.
The only time I make him laugh is when Im being a dick to
him because thats not usual for me and people arent used to
it. And Im tired of that as well even if it does bring out
a smile because that isnt who I am. Im not a bitch. Im not
someone who likes to put people down. Why am I changing who
I am? Screw this bullshit. I hold it all in, I hold it all
inside. 'Yea, she is cool. I thought you forgot about me.'
He responds saying something simple like 'No I didnt forget
about you.' Well for christ's sake how difficult is it
really to pick up a phone for literally 2 seconds to call
and say you arent going to be there. But no just let me
wait around like a fool like you always do. Just leave me
waiting for something that isnt coming. Im fucking done. I
hold it all in. I cant say it out loud. I said back to
him 'oh. well how was band practice?' he comes out all
excited now that were talking about him and tells me how he
came up with the coolest riff and everyone thought it was
awesome and now they have another song. Which makes me
happy cause now theyre only one song away from being able
to go to a show but its like wow. I dont know. They keep
asking me if Im mad at them and I told them I was for a
minute but I went to bed and Im over it now. Why do I hold
it all fucking in. Why am I so scared? I dont want to lose
them but why do I care? Whats left to cherish? I just wish
that one fucking person would find me importnat enough to
go out of their way for 2 seconds for me. But I hold it all
in. If I said anything theyd get mad at me most likly or
think I was being ridiculous and not understand and chances
are freak them out and cause them to stop talking to me
like what always happens when I get too deep. I want to
fucking cry. I think I could for days. But I hold it all
in. All of it. Shit.... So we hang up the phone and they
tell me theyll call me at 10 this morning and now its
almost noon and I still havent gotton a call. I wonder what
theyre doing, have they thought of me at all today. And if
they did, did it really matter, because when they thought
about me last night they certainly didnt find me very
importnat cause they couldnt stop to call. Im talking
myself in circles. My mind is a blur. So close to having
back what Ive wanted for so long now, and just like every
other time I was wrong. I hold on because I dont want to
lose that image of something brighter. The something I saw
in his eyes the first time we met and I could tell how much
they cared just by the way they looked at me. That has
faded now. Im not as important. I think Im just something
to fill in the time until someone better comes along. And
when theyre gone he'll come back to me and ask for me back
but next time, no next time I will be strong. Why am I
waiting to have my heart broken again. I wish hed let me
in. I wish hed reach out to me. I wish hed show me how much
he cares, if only I felt he cared at all.

He'll think Im ridiculous after reading this. He may not
talk to me again. But you know what. Fuck that. As much as
it tears me apart and Im sure it will for days as it always
does.. I cant hold how I feel in anymore. It's killing me.
Im losing hope. I used to be a dreamer. Now, man. Now I
dont know if anyone ever gets anything they ever really
want. Love.. man. What a fucked up word. It's not fair. I
hold it all in. I hold it all inside. There's so much more
than this. I hear the words I'm sorry and when theyre said
I hear the meaning, but then I wake up..and Im back here..
where sorry means I feel bad but I will do it again cuz I
know youll always forgive me. But you know what? All of
this... its just whining...Im being a fucking cry baby..
why? It's not his fault. Im the one who takes it.

Im searching for a hand reaching out. Show me you love me.




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