The Journal of Greg Rodriguez
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2001-09-04 04:51:08 (UTC)

September 3, 2001 12:36 AM

Dear Journal,

My mother died today. My mother, Debbie Rodriguez, is no
longer here. So much is going through my head right now, I
don't even know where to begin. I feel like it's impossible
to form a coherent thought into words. I found out today at
about 6:30 PM; Dad called. He said he had some bad news,
and I knew it. I knew it right away. The feeling was hard
to describe. It was like a ball of lightning exploded in
the center of my body. I couldn't stop shaking. It was the
worst experience to date. I hopped on a bus, and got back
to Long Beach at midnight.

I've cried a few times. Not sobbing, but I just felt my
eyes well up. I never know when it's going to happen, it
just does, usually when I think about what she'll never get
to do. She's never see my kids. She never found a life-long
love. She never got published. She left behind an eight-
year old little girl. I can't believe this. The very
thought of my mom not being around...it's like I can't get
my mind around it.

I wish I could've been at her side. The last time I
talked to her was on the phone. I am glad that I got to
tell her I loved her, but I still wish I would've been
there. I keep thinking that she passed on with no one that
cared by her side. No one. I'm so drained. There's so much
on my mind, like I said. I can't type fast enough to get it
all down.

The funeral will be soon. My mom's funeral. That's gonna
be ... agony. If I have to see my mom lying in a coffin,
I'm gonna lose it. I know it. But what about my sister? I
talked to Ashley a little while ago; it's like nothing has
happened as far as she's concerned. I thought she would be
a little wreck, but Dad says that since she's so young, she
doesn't really comprehend that mom is gone. But at the
funeral...what am I going to do? Nevermind that, what the
hell is going to happen to Ashley afterward? Dad says that
if her father wants custody of her, he'll get it. We'll
never win. That thought terrifies me. I don't know where to
go from here.

I'm leaving for North Dakota tomorrow. I'll be there a
few days. I have to make sure Ashley is okay. I have to be
there for her. I have to be strong for her. Mom was strong.
Mom went through so much in life. She was the strongest
person I've ever met. I don't know. I don't even know what
I'm talking about anymore. Like I said, I'm drained. That's
about it. I'll write again after all this...whatever this