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2002-12-28 08:34:55 (UTC)

Mediocrity is the ultimate lonliness 12:31am 12/28/2002

Well, I decided to jump on the bandwagon and start a
journal in hopes that it will help ease whats on my mind.
It's actually kinda funny, I signed up for this, realized
it said diary and then had to debate with myself weather
having a diary would make me look less heterosexual, but I
don't care. Well now that I've said that, I would like to
apologize in advance for anybody I might offend...Sorry

I've been thinking a lot lately, which many of you may
know is quite the change of pace for me. I've just
questioned my value to others. Not that I'm looking for
justification for my exsistence, but just if my efforts to
take others feeling into consideration even worth it. Like
why should I try to be nice and a good friend to somebody
who doesn't really give a shit about me? I guess I just
question some of my "friends" intentions. I sometimes get
the impression that I am an annoance and even pitied. It
is really disheartening. Like, my best friend, Mike Law. I
don't know why, but I would give this kid the shirt off my
back. He is a complete jerk to me sometimes. He doesn't
even use common courtousy that you would give a casual
friend and he claims that I'm one of his best friends.
Even tonight I went to see my friends, one of whom I
haven't seen since summer, and they didn't even notice I
existed. I know it sounds rather, for lack of better
words, not good, but I've been often asking myself if I
would be missed if I died or just stoped being. I guess
I'm just questioning my place in this world.

My ultimate motto for life is "Mediocrity is the ultimate
lonliness" and this keeps proving to be true. I'm not
smart, or talented, or attractive. I am infact not good at
anything. It's hard to be noticed and make real ties to
others when you are simply one of the crowd. So many
people in my "group" are unique and generally interesting
people. Then there is me, I can't even spell worth a shit
why should I be noticed or taken seriouly or even
respected. Man, I guess I should just stop sailing down my
Slip & Slide of self pity leading to my pool of meolcholy
and go do something productive. Well, on to spending some
quality time with my bass. Until we meet again...

Dave Mathews Band-Crush (acustic)