once again
2001-09-03 18:54:06 (UTC)


Shawn saw her yesterday. Kim and his daughter Kalysto. It
broke my heart. He wants to come here to be with me, but
what about her. Sure he averages seeing her once a year
but is that fair of me to ask him to give her up? I told
him I can't do that to him and he said I'm not doing
anything. He said that she and her aunt whom has custody
of her won't ever let him, nor us for that fact have
custody of Kalysto. Her aunt works for the government, the
IRS and she said that if we ever try doing anything to take
her away she would hurt Shawn. But when would he see her?
Would we take vacations to? He said that he loves her to
death but he has to give her up to a certain degree.
Hewants me to have his babies and as I. He said he'll
never just forget about her but lets face it they don't
even have solid proof it's his because she slept with two
other people the time she got pregnant. They need to have
blood tests done and they don't have the money. I want him
here, things with him just make sense and last night I
actually thought I was giving up on him but I talked to him
this morning and I'm not. I realize how much I need, wnat
of love him. He makes me smile even when I'm convinced
nothing ever could. I dont know if that's just sentiment
talking but every day I dream about him and when I go
anywhere it's him I want to share it with. Tony can't even
invite me to a goddamn barbeque with his family when all
they do is ask about me. They want to meet me. But he
says in due time. WHat the hell, he met my family the day
after we were together and they constantly ask me where he
is. But i guess it's not TIME. Shawn never hesitated
bringing me anywhere even if he knew I would be bored.
Hewanted me part of his family and I guess that's why I
call them all my own. His mom is mom to me. I call her
like she's my own and she calls me her daughter. That
makes sense, not all this I have to wait untill the time is
right. What's that? When will it be? When we're fighting
again and I'm there by chance? Iwant Shawn to come and see
Tony and say this is they way you treat Claudia, no one can
take my place. I'm the one she loves and we're going to
be married. I'm going to be with her and not you. That is
what I want. Tony keeps telling me we're going to take
things slow but all he does is tell me how we're going to
move out and all these plans he has for "US" but ther is no
us any more I gave that up whe he thought he was going to
give me a curfew. I'm unhappy and I don't know how to tell
Tony without destroying him. All I know is thatme and
Shawn wanted to marry and get his daughter and I wanted to
adopt Kalysto and be happy. Is that too much? Well we
already know Kalysto is out of the picture and Shawn said
he is too pissed at himslef for keeping me in Florida whenI
was miserable and he knows this is where I am happy and he
wants to make me happy and He wants to be here and he said
he can grow to love CHicago. I'm here and that's all he
needs to love this place.