Andy

December 27, 2002. Late afternoon.

Why am I so angry and disgusted as of late? Is it just the
season? One might read my entry from about this time last
year and be amazed at the tone of anger and disgust. Is it
something else, though?

I don't know. I've been feeling so fed up lately. Jessy has
even noticed. She thought it was strange that I was
speaking out so bitterly against, well, everything: "but
Andy, you like everything!" Heh heh.

Jessy's great. Jessy's not the problem. Not at all.

But let's take Katie, for instance. I hate being around her
lately. I wonder if maybe our friendship is winding down
for good. I've touched on this before, as early as this
summer when she visited, and it hasn't gotten better. The
problems are many: Branum, his brother, her and Josh, me
and Pittsburgh, her and Louisville...I mean, who knows.
It's all those things. Sigh. Who is there in this world?
Nate, Joel, Jessy, Dave, Jim...Tom Hall and Sarah, too, if
they'll still have me. Sarah owes me a visit soon,
actually. But it's a small list, you know. I mean, there
are other very good people around, too: Becca and Dan;
Brent and most of the Griz axis (Brent got me an MC5 record
for Christmas); Danny, too. And I suppose Sean on
occassions (if I play nice). But I haven't quite interacted
with them on as close and personal a level as the five to
seven people I singled out above. And there's still people
who I just don't GET that I see all the time. Or people
that don't get me. Or we just don't connect at all. They
know who they are.

God damm it! I could be doing so much better. It's such a
huge fucking world. Why am I here in Louisville? What's the
point?

Which reminds me: my New Years' spite plans were cancelled;
that's plan where I drive blind to St. Louis. Jim and Dave
convinced me to go out to their dad's place in La Grange
and stage a Twyd & Tartyn show with them and Nate. Twid &
Tartyn! The fictional beat/psychedelic pre-punk '60s rock
band we created for ourselves in our high school days!
Surprisingly, the four of us have never played out
together. So I couldn't humanly pass that opportunity up.
I'd be heartless. It would be a cartoonishly misanthropic.
So I'll pass up St. Louis and my mystical draw towards
persons unknown. Sigh. It's too bad, in a way. I mean, it's
a silly idea that I could just bust out into a city I don't
know and make friends and have a party with 'em in the
space of just a few hours. But I really believe I could've
done it. And this, of all times, in the depths of my
misanthropy-tinged, Jessy-less Louisville experience, would
have been the perfect time: a simultaneous exploration of
untouched possibilities and a private "fuck you" to life as
I know it right now. It feels like an opportunity passing
by.

But that's OK. For Twyd & Tartyn, I'll miss out, ha ha.

Besides, it's appropriate that such a high school-themed
event be the thing that keeps me here. I remember what high
school was like. I didn't like anyone and wanted to be left
alone.

Sound familiar, kids?

Happy new year.