belladonna

bella
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2001-09-03 17:13:38 (UTC)

Alone...I love it!

Well, it is Labor Day. Hubby went into town to go
skateboarding with friend. Fought alllll day yesterday. It
was pure misery. We both are questioning whether it is
each other that we want to be with. We dont get along
unless the other is getting something they want. Which is
ususally not me. I'm trying to relax but it is hard. I
have been reading magazines and attempting to read my self
help books cuz lord knows i need it! For myself not for
him. It is very hard to believe anything in those books
when a person makes you feel like you are not worthy to
believe anything in them.. and it's not just him. It is
myself. I dont believe anything good about myself. Never
really have. I hate to be another one of those whiners that
blames everything on their parents but that's the only
thing I can look back on besides school and see where I was
missing things. I was never abused...I was just never told
that "yes..you can do anything in life you put your mind
too..it can be yours!" that kind of stuff. And there is
other stuff too. I mean is it fair that your mother makes
you wear what she likes and does your hair how she likes it
when you are in high school? Pure misery..that's what that
turned out to be. She said that that shouldn't have made
any difference. Bullshit! It is horrendous to want to be
cool like everyone else and you try really hard but someone
wont let you..i mean back then you did not dress up for
school..now they have cute dresses, etc. but back then it
was jeans or dont even bother going to school! I never
really had any true friends in school either. I had what i
would call best friends at the time..but looking back we
werent. There was always a different "flavor" of the week.
Like this week this person was cool to be friends with but
the next week every one had to gang up on that person and
not talk to them. Where is this mentality coming from? It
drives me crazy thinking back about it. I wish I would have
told everyone to fuck off but i wasnt smart enough back
then. All that mattered was having fun...well, I am out...b


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