beet

Joining the real world - sign here
2001-09-03 16:16:54 (UTC)

Date fixed for leaving

I figured out when I'm leaving now: the 10th. Its getting
a bit scary now there is a date on it. A date when I will
leave all my friends and everything I know. I have been
saying that it is a good thing to be moving on, not
stagnating but it's bloody hard. I have to meet up with
people one last time before I go. I'm meeting that girl
(who continues to remain nameless due to my paranoia) on
the 6th. I'm not sure what's gonna happen. Is she going
to apologise for what she said? Unlikely, besides I'm
equally guilty in this one. More guilty perhaps. Hmmmm,
seeing as I'm usually in control of these situations by
virtue of knowing what's going on then I shouldn't have let
any of this happen. I had a sneeking suspision that she
might be after me a while ago. I didn't really egg her on,
but I didn't disuade her and I knew that by remaining a
difficult "conquest" then I would retain her interest. I'm
not sure that I'd go out with her even if we were both
single. At the same time it is so flattering that she is
showing such an interest in me. Arrgggh, I keep doing this
kind of thing. Well, it's the second time that it's
happened only the other time I was single I just had no
intention of going out with her. Just a snog (a kiss with
tongues is the translation for my American readers!) can't
do any harm...... Aaaannyway, that time isn't this time.
It's nice that some-one finds me attractive, and yet it
probably still isn't enough. I was never attractive at
school so it has taken a while to get around the concept
that I am wanted. By more than one other person, by more
than two people. In fact I have to make a choice. I'm not
saying they are beating down my door, in fact far from it.
The thing is choosing is not nearly as fun as trying out
first. I'm so selfish. And what's worse is the fact that
I know that I'm selfish and what I'm doing, yet I still
succomb to the easy way out. I'm not even going to poll
you, I know I'm being a shit. Enough for now, this is too
deep for daytime thoughts.

Listening to: NIN


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