An inconcluded life
Frank ... June 15 - 1st part
I hope you read this email before the previous one I sent.
I just spoke to Angie on the phone. Like around 45 minutes
more or less. I am quite confused right now and I think I
need to settle my thoughts down. I guess I can only
achieve that by writing to you and telling you how I feel.
I don’t know how you feel because you never told me. You
never proposed marriage to me as a fact, given a specific
time. You see? Well, I know I screwed up in many things.
I know I was never certain of my life of what I would do
with it. And my life has been screwed up ever since I left
you in Norway that June of 1990.
Destiny has its own game. I don’t know if you believe in
destiny, but I do. And it is because of destiny that many
things have happened to me in this life. Yes, because I
believe there is an afterlife and that whatever did not get
settled in this life will be settled in the next. And when
it comes to the topic of you and I, things are not quite
clear. It’s been 12 years of suffering of uncertainty of
mixed feelings and weird events.
I am confused because I do not want to split up a marriage,
I don’t want to feel guilty of that, however, I have
learned that no matter what happens or who passes by my
life, you are the only one who will never leave it. I have
not gotten over you in all these years. And you know the
circumstances under which I had to get married. You know
better. Maybe I have been scared of leaving my territory
to wander off to a new place so far away from mine. But as
it is, if you were to tell me right now to leave, I
would. I would leave anything to spend THE REST OF MY
LIFE with you. But I am scared. I have always been scared
because nothing in this life will guarantee me that you
will be with me the rest of your life! I don’t know if you
will be able to bear with my character, or maybe you have
idealized me so much that you don’t know who I am. I know
who you are. You are the man I always dreamed of. The one
I once had and let go. I have no more words to say how
sorry I am for not acting the way I should have acted many
In the past 2 years I have been thinking what would have
happened if you and I would have been together? How many
kids would we have? Would we have been able to have any
kids? If not, would you had been willing to adopt kids?
Those are my frights. I do not know if I can be the correct
wife for you. A wife that gives you children of your own.
I wish I could but I don’t know if I can. You are the
perfect father, the perfect man, the perfect husband, and I
let you go. I will understand perfectly once you make a
decision. As it is, I leave everything in your hands. It
is now your own choice. I would like to have you back. I
don’t know how soon I can make it to Norway, but believe
me, if you tell me to leave everything behind, I will sell
the house of my dreams and leave my country and my family
just to spend the rest of my life with you.
On the other hand, I would not like to create economic
instability for you. I understand you have bought a house
with your wife and if you leave her, you will loose
everything. That is why I am leaving this choice to you.
If it is for me, I am willing to do what you feel is best:
Either you come to Panama and we work things out from here,
or I go to Norway and work things out there.
I have applied to Oslo International School but I do not
know for a fact that I will get a job there. So you need to
take that into consideration. If I do get the job, then
they will pay my rent and that will be fine. But, if you
decide you want to continue your life with your wife (and I
will not blame you for that!) I will perfectly understand.
With a lot of pain in my heart because that is where you
are. So you decide. I can wait until you make up your
mind. Even though we do not know how long either one of us
will live, I can tell you that I will be here. Waiting for
you. I promise it. And I really mean it.
I must go now. For now. If you can call me, do it at
night. Late, after 9 or 10 p.m. it is o.k. if you call late
at night. Don’t worry about it. I will be waiting.
Love you now and always.