An inconcluded life
Ad 2:
2002-12-27 04:26:30 (UTC)

Frank... July 18

Your words seem so vague.
I open up my email and see your name and everything in this
world is diminished to nothing compared to what happens in
me. I feel fireworks in my head, I feel a flock of birds
in my stomach and a stampede on my heart.
Your words crumble up my soul and my spirit. They make me
feel like your love for me is only a memory. A memory full
of nice, funny, sweet and painful moments.
Your words also make me feel as if you have moved on. Past
me. Don’t get me wrong, I am just telling you what I feel
from your words. I feel you are over me now. That of
course, you will always remember me as I will remember you
because everything was so special, but now you have a new
life. And you are making me feel that I need to understand
that your new life is important to you and that you do not
want to mess it up. I am sorry if I am an intruder. It is
never my intention to cause damage. That is why I am
asking you to PLEASE speak to me clearly. To make yourself
clear as to what it is YOU want. It does not matter what I
want. Hey! I screwed up too many times! I know I am in NO
position to ask for forgiveness or to ask for yet one more
chance. I screwed up and I am sorry. But I don’t want you
to have that in mind. I want to know what you want.
You are making me feel horrible things. Through your words
I feel abandonment. I feel there is definitely nothing to
fight for because it is now dead. I mean dead but not
forgotten. Do you get it? It is like when someone very
close to you dies and you know that person will not be with
you any more because they are not in the world of the
living. And you will always feel that special love for that
person just like you felt it when they were alive. The
difference is that they are dead and you need to continue
living. That is how you make me feel now. The reason
you make me feel like this is because you have said it in
your own words:
“If we can fight fore our love..... i don't know. It will
always be there
so there isn't anything to fight fore really....
If it is right. Probably not, if it was you could come here
fore vacation”
You get my point? But then again, maybe I want to torture
myself more. Maybe I need you to be more clear. Maybe I
need to feel more pain than I am feeling right now after
reading those words. Each one of them has been like a
sable running through my chest, puncturing my heart and
going out through my back. That is what it feels like.
But still, I must be clear about this. 12 years are more
than one third of our lifetime. 12 years off and on, but
still, always there. And I need to know. Otherwise my
life will definitely stop having any meaning, because as it
is, without you, it is meaningless. So please, answer this
clearly, it is only a matter of saying yes or no, of
answering back in your next email with the numbers 1
through 10 and a yes or a no right beside it:
1. Do you want me to let you live your new life, set you
free? Yes or no
2. Do you think you can still love me and forgive me so in
the future we can be together again? Yes or no
3. Do you want to know about me only occasionally? yes or
4. Do you want for me to stop writing every day? Yes or no
5. Do you actually read every email attachment I send you?
Yes or no
6. Are my words a waste of time for you? Yes or no
7. Would you leave what you have now to spend the rest of
your life with me? Yes or no
8. Is our love only a sweet memory in your life, heart and
mind? Yes or no
9. Do you love her so much that you can spend the rest of
your life with he without thinking of me? Yes or no
10. Is it fair that you spend the rest of your life with
someone you care for but don’t love with as much intensity
you know you can love someone?

Think about these questions. You will give me the answers
that I need to continue living in the world of those who
have hopes. Depending on those answers, I will just become
one more zombie in life or I will become a cherry blossom
tree. It is just a simple yes and no questionnaire that I
don’t think will take too much time away from your busy
family life.

I don’t know anyone with a background history like ours
either. I was talking to a good friend of mine about this
dilemma I am living in now, and she just told me to have
faith. That usually when things are meant to be, no matter
what happens, they will be. I must set you free now. And
hope you will come back to me. I understand that if it is
not possible in this life, we will
for a fact, reincarnate in another life, together. But the
fact that I understand it, does not mean I will accept it.
And if we do reincarnate, we will know it deep inside. We
will feel it just like we felt it in this life: Love at
first sight. Remember? It will be so. And again, we will
ask ourselves the same questions we asked in this life. I
only hope that if it is not possible in this life, that in
the next one, things do not turn out so difficult as now.
I just hope I have learned the lesson and that the karma I
take on to the next life is not so heavy so we can be
together again.

Anyways, I must go now. You take care and write soon.
Remember, those are just simple yes and no questions. No
big deal. Just take a minute and answer back. Just like I
answered on the front page of the email. Just number it
from 1 to 10 and put beside it yes or no. No explanations
needed. I will learn how to live with it. I am not saying
I will no longer try… no. I am saying I will just learn
how to live with it and sit to wait, hopefully for a
miracle. I will love you… through eternity.

Solen din.