Life as I know it.
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2001-09-03 06:17:48 (UTC)

Why do smart people do dumb things?

So yeah I ended up going out last night and getting
trashed, like horribly trashed. Fucked Matt too. Dumb?
Probably not. See, he's what i want right now, a guy to
just please me whenever i want it. It's nice. I have no
time for a boyfriend. THis semester is gonna kill me. So
yeah Matt, ugh I dont know anymore diary readers I just do
not know. I dont know to love him or hate him...im just
like right now, indifferent towards him, like i guess he is
just like a friend I fuck...which is what we basically
are. So at least we're okay at that type of relationship.
LOL. I dont regret any of the shit i did last night,
except for drinking as much as i did cause when matt was
sleeping i was sitting up in pain. And I hate him for the
fact that he does little shit that makes me sometimes
forget that we arent together anymore, like last night he
asked if i was okay when he woke up, he switched me sides
of the bed cause i wanted to be by the window. Sometimes I
just wish he were truly a complete asshole to me so I
wouldnt do this, cause I dont know, maybe the whole stigma
of sleeping with your ex is getting to me, I know you
shouldnt do it, everyone says you shouldnt do it...what do
I do I do it. ANd i think its bothering me even more in
the fact that I dont feel bad about what im doing. I have
no secret plans or anything to get him back, i just want
fucked...is that so wrong? But I just stay at his place
after the fact, eventho i know i have to get out of there
early in the morning...i dont know, i mean I miss sleeping
next to him. I sleep better when im around him, well
sometimes, but then there are times when i wake up and want
to stretch out on the bed and hog it like I do my own. But
the worst thing is I dreamt i was pregnant with his kid
last night, oh god I so hope that doesnt happen, for im
only 22...and he isnt even like my boyfriend or anything.
Scarier thng is my mom when matt and i broke up that i was
having his kid too. Psychic stuff runs in my family, so
yeah, im kminda freaked out, but we used a condom and so
that should make it all good...right? No i know its not
right, i just pray pray pray that I dont become pregnant
til 1. Im with someone who i plan on being with for a long
time, if not forever 2. when im finished with college and
3. when i can provide a life for my child that i wouldnt
have to worry about money in. BUt enough of this...lets
get on to what i did today.

Today i woke up hungover surprise surprise. SO i went back
to bed til 3pm (trust me i needed it im lacking on the
sleep front). Woke up to a barrage of phone messages so i
made some back, hopped in the shower, and then once again
people started calling me. So I made plans to go out to
dinner tonight with Jen, Jen P, Star, Kelly (? jens
roommate dont know who she is) and Lara. Lindsay was
supposed to come too but alas she wasnt home, ad kristin
went out with Dylan so she couldnt be reached. Ate some
good Chineese food. But the best was my fortune it
said "ALl your hard work is about to pay off" which
hopefully means i do superfantasgreat this semester and
graduate hopefully with honors since my goal this semester
is to raise my QPA as much as I can. Then went to star's
place, she lives in an intercultural house with lots of hot
men with accents, needless to say ill be hanging out there
a lot. THen Kristin came over and we chilled, listened to
a little violent femmes and then I came home. WOW exciting.

ALso my roommate is gonna kill matt soon, cause okay i told
matt he can still call me whenever, but okay not at 3am,and
especially when he hangs up on my roommate. THats not too
cool ya know? I dont do that to him, if i need to talk to
him I email him if its late at night and such. Thats how
it works.

Ah such is life, my life is chaos. But its pretty cool
sometimes. Im j7ust happy all my friends are back here.
It makes me feel normal. Like everthing is just falling
back into place...I think it was Neitzsche who said
something along the effect that out of chaos a shining
dancing star is born. SOmething like that, im horrible at
remembering direct quotes...but who knows, times like this
I just feel that everything is okay in the world, and for
that im thankful.

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