vixxen

vixxen
2001-09-03 05:39:31 (UTC)

Monday, 3 September 2001


Ack, how depressing is this day going to be. I mean, I’ve
only been awake an hour at the most and I’m already missing
Steve like crazy, even though I wouldn’t be talking to him
now anyway. Shaun is having a fight with his girlfriend, I
think, and he’s just playing non-stop sad songs, which
isn’t helping my case any either.
Tonight is going to be hell. I’ll try to keep myself busy
at the time when I would normally be talking to him,
hopefully studying or something like that, but I bet I’ll
just be moping around my room with nothing to do. I’m glad
that he’s going out with his friends, but at the same time,
I know I’m going to miss him like hell. I can’t explain
what has happened the last few days, its like I’ve fallen
for him in a big way all over again...
When he was putting off sending me a picture all the time,
I just started to resent him in the end. I did still love
him, but I was loving him less and less. I know that’s a
shocking thing to say, but it’s the truth. I understood
that he didn’t have a scanner, and that was fair enough. I
know I’d be in a bit of shit if I hadn’t had a scanner at
first, because I wouldn’t know how to get one to him
either. But it just seemed so suspicious to me… like he
was putting it off for a reason, not because he was lazy.
I don’t know, it just seems like the whole world is against
internet relationships. Everywhere I look, there’s shit
about people getting hurt and lied to, and the fact that
Steve couldn’t even prove that he was who he said he was,
made things even worse between us. Honestly, I don’t know
how a picture is supposed to prove anything either – it
doesn’t necessarily mean that the picture is of him, it
could be anyone. And its not like he would be the first
person to fake a picture – Alessandro did it, and Jill’s
photo looks totally weird.
But in the end, the picture stood for much more than it
actually was. I mean, it was a photo, granted, but it
started to mean more than that. It stood for his
enthusiasm in the relationship… if he couldn’t get off his
ass and do that one thing for me, then why would I believe
that he would do anything else for me? Like staying
faithful, or even meeting me at the airport? I was
starting to think that this was a relationship of
convenience more than anything else… that maybe he didn’t
have the time to get a girlfriend off the net, and that I
would do. Maybe he didn’t have the balls to drop me.
Maybe this, maybe that. But I was fed up in the end. Like
I said, I was falling out of love with him in a big way,
and the relationship was suffering really badly, as you can
expect. I couldn’t think of anything else during the day,
so when I came online, I was always in a bad mood.
Sometimes I didn’t even want to talk to him, just because I
was hurting so badly and I didn’t trust him anymore.
Trust is a big thing in any relationship, and I couldn’t
trust that he was really who he said he was, let alone
anything else he said. For all I knew, he could have been
a 40-year-old paedophile on the prey and that was why he
wasn’t sending me his picture. Maybe he never intended to
send me a picture to begin with. I’d always feared that I
was always just going to be his internet girlfriend…
something that only existed so long as his computer was
off. Out of sight, out of mind.
But now everything has changed. A few days ago, had I
written this, it would have been about how I was thinking
about dropping him. I was going to – the picture would
have been the last straw to me. It would have proven to me
that he didn’t give two shits about the relationship, and I
would have had to get out of there as soon as I can, before
he hurt me. But he did come through in the end. Okay, it
took him a year to send me his picture, which is a bit of a
worry. But I can’t come on here and bitch about that,
because he did it in the end, and that’s all that matters
now.
I’m really surprised that things have gone back to normal
so quickly. Because I did resent him, I was worried that
it might take some time for me to start to feel this way
again. Although I never actually did stop loving him, I
was trying to deny my feelings for him so that if we did
break up, it wouldn’t hurt me as much. I was expecting it
at the end. I mean, I stopped calling him soulmate, and
even just using the word “soul”… in my eyes, there was no
such thing. I did think that Steve was my soulmate, but in
the end, I had my doubts if a soulmate would do something
like that. Maybe I watch too many movies or something. I
know nothing is perfect all the time, but still… it just
felt like I was hurting too much for this to be anything
more than just an ordinary relationship that was doomed
from the start.
Ack, I can be so contradictory sometimes. I mean, here I
am saying that a soulmate wouldn’t have done what he did,
take so long, but now I can use that word freely again. I
don’t know, I don’t really want to think about it too
deeply now. I’m happy, so why ruin it again? Its been so
long since I’ve been happy. Just the last few months were
hell for me. There was all that fucking around at uni, not
knowing if I was enrolled in any of my classes, and having
to more or less beg to stay in some. My so called perfect
relationship was falling apart, and there was nothing I
could do. It was all up to Steve… I couldn’t exactly send
myself a picture of him, could I? No, he had to do that.
I’m sure I spent the last few months just nagging at him;
it must have driven him crazy. But I just couldn’t think
of anything else… I couldn’t think about him without just
wanting to break down and cry. I wanted to know why
everything turned sour; I wanted to know what had
happened. I had invested so much into this relationship.
Not just time, but my everything was in this relationship,
everything was on line. I mean, I could have gone out and
cheated on him and he would never have known the
difference. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t have been able to
live with something like that, and I would have had to tell
him in the end. Telling him about Shane was probably the
hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And that was just
something on the net, a whole lot of confused and mixed
emotions that turned out to be nothing in the end, thank
god. If I did something offline, I would definitely do
something I would regret in the end. I mean, something
physical, not necessarily fucking him, but anything… even
holding hands is cheating in my books. So in a way I’m
glad that the Shane shit was an online thing. That way I
wasn’t actually able to do anything, and I learnt my
lesson... had it been an offline “crush”, then it would
have been a lot more damaging. I’m not making excuses
though. What I did was wrong, I know this. Sheesh… it
still hurts me today having to think about it. I wonder if
Steve thinks about it sometimes. For his sake, I hope he
doesn’t. I’m glad he forgave me for that, I don’t know if
I ever fully forgave myself though. Rachel came around
yesterday, and we had a real heart to heart at Hungry
Jacks. She knows bits and pieces about Steve, but not the
whole story. I had to tell someone though, and Selina’s not
the right person for that. She’s my best friend but she’s
too judgemental… I can’t tell her anything without her
making me out to be some loony, yet I’m not the one who’s
in an abusive relationship with someone who a) cheated on
her the whole time he was with her, b) has spent probably
the majority of his teen life in and out of jail, and c) is
the father of her 4 month old son but hardly even knows
he’s alive. So I don’t think Selina can have a go at me
about my relationships, just because mine is a bit
different to what she’s used to.
Anyway, like I was saying, I told Rachel most of it, and I
just cried at Hungry Jacks. God it was embarrassing to cry
in front of her, considering she’s like this big posh
private school educated person, and I’m a slob. She’s not
all that though, I should learnt not to judge her so
quickly just because she uses different words to me and
dresses nicely. She’s my stepsister, but she feels like a
stranger to me sometimes, I really find it hard to talk to
her because we come from different worlds, so I was really
embarrassed about breaking down. I couldn’t help it though,
I was telling her about the Shane bit, and I couldn’t hold
it all in. Luckily we were in the car park, and not
actually in Hungry Jacks, or I would have gotten a few
weird looks, I’m sure.
God, how all over the place is this? I’m just writing
everything as it comes to my head, and lord knows it
doesn’t make sense. I don’t think I’ve written half of
what I want to, and I don’t know if there’s a limit on how
much you’re supposed to write anyway. I’ve seen other
people’s journal entries and they’re really small, like a
few lines at the most. Here I am, I’ve probably used up
all this site’s bandwidth on this one entry… Ooops. I
can’t help that though, it’s a fact that I like to write a
lot, especially when its about something that means a lot
to me. I should probably end this in a minute, not only is
it too long, but its taken me almost an hour to write all
this, too. I really should get a start on my homework, but
I wanted to do this. I’ll have to paste this from Word
later when I can get online next, its just hard right now
because everyone is at home today (show holiday) and the
phone will be running hot all day, I probably wont be able
to touch it until late this evening, so that’s why I’m
doing this now on Word.
All I wanted to do was explain how I’ve fallen in love with
Steve all over again, and suddenly I’m writing about
Rachel’s fashion sense and Shaun’s phone addiction.
Sheesh… Anyway, something happened the day that he gave me
his photo. Oh, don’t get me wrong, its got nothing to do
with what he looks like. He IS good looking, but I’ve
never thought that he wouldn’t be, you can just tell these
things about a person by the way they talk about
themselves. Generally, the more they brag, the less self
confident about themselves that they are, and what are
people most insecure about? Their looks of course. That’s
pretty easy to guess. So I knew that Steve wouldn’t be
ugly, that was never an issue with me. When he did send me
his picture, he just proved to me that he did care. I’ve
always worried that he didn’t care… that I was the only one
who had any intentions of making this relationship into
something offline. We haven’t talked on the phone or
anything, so before the picture, he was nothing to me.
Err, don’t read that as he meant nothing to me, I just mean
that he had no face, no voice... no physical identity at
all. I used to have dreams about him, and he would just
change all the time. He’d have curly hair, and the next
day, he’d have a shaved head. How was I supposed to know
what he looked like? It was so weird seeing his face
finally... I’d waited all this time for it, and I wasn’t
disappointed. I was so used to hearing excuses that I
really did think we’d break up and I’d never know what he
looked like. That would absolutely kill me, I wouldn’t be
able to move on with my life without knowing what he looked
like… I’d be on my deathbed, 90, and I’d probably still be
talking about the mysterious Steve that I once knew who had
no face. Or something like that.
I was so relieved when he did send me a picture. Finally,
a sign that maybe he did love me after all. He runs hot
and cold sometimes, I can’t quite get him. In the
beginning he really had problems with telling me how he
felt, as did I, really. That’s because I had no idea how
he felt about me. I’m a pretty intuitive person… I’ll
follow your lead. I was just getting no response from him
whatsoever, so I couldn’t exactly open up and tell him how
I felt because I didn’t want to ridicule myself. I liked
him a lot, but although he flirted with me, I couldn’t tell
if he actually liked me, or if he just flirted with
everyone. When I finally got the courage to ask him if he
did want to be with me, he said yes, but it wasn’t exactly
the response I was hoping for. He said something like “I
guess so”, which never actually gave our relationship a
good beginning. I know very few relationships on here
actually work. I’d say ours is one of the longest, if not
THE longest I know of… certainly not any longer with people
our age. There were just so many things in the way of our
relationship. Avi and Shane tried, but they didn’t
succeed. The only reason that Shane was allowed to get so
long to me was because I turned to him, which was so
fucking stupid! Steve was confusing me, and I didn’t think
that he loved me. It didn’t seem like it. So when Shane
started paying attention to me, I was flattered. Shane was
acting the way I wished Steve would act around me… I felt
that Steve wasn’t all there, no, I’m not saying that he was
acting like a retard, I’m saying that he just felt like he
didn’t always want to be there. I couldn’t talk about our
relationship, because a couple of times beforehand I’d
tried, and he just shot me down. I remember once I tried
to talk to him about our relationship, and he said that it
wasn’t the best subject to talk about, and I was
mortified. And then there was the time that we were
talking about cheating, and he (sheesh, I just had to lock
my door just then because I know I’m about to cry) just
totally fucked up his words and said something that
indicated to me that he thought that kissing another girl
was okay, so long as he didn’t fuck her. God, that killed
me, you have no idea. He knew that he’d said the wrong
thing, or at least said it the wrong way, but it was at the
end of the conversation and he couldn’t really explain it
before he had to go. I was so upset that I even changed my
profile to say “widowed”… that was my way of saying that
something inside me had died; I really did think that he
wanted to kiss other girls. It was just little things like
that, that brought me closer to Shane, because Shane was
acting more like Steve than Steve was... if that actually
makes sense. I told Shane that Steve had said that, and he
said that Steve shouldn’t have said that, and that he would
never cheat on me if he were with me. Just things like
that. I was constantly comparing them to each other, and
because I was closer to Shane than I was Steve, I was
really doubting my relationship with Steve. I should never
have compared them to each other, because they are
different people with different qualities, but I really was
stuck. Steve was the person with no face, who didn’t seem
to want to know me offline… everytime I talked to him about
getting a picture, talking on the phone or even sending
letters, he would either make excuses or promises, or just
sound like he didn’t care. Shane was always trying to talk
to me on messenger, and instead it was I who was turning
him down.
I don’t regret what decision I made though. I honestly
didn’t think that Steve cared about me at all. Why do I
have so many issues believing that someone could love me
back? I bet that goes back to things that have happened in
my life though. People like ex boyfriends say that they
love me, and then they go and cheat on me, so of course I
find it hard to believe. And I sure as hell don’t think my
parents have said that they love me the past 10 odd years.
That’s why I have so much trouble showing my affections
sometimes, I wasn’t shown any of that at home. I’m not
saying that my parents were bad parents or anything like
that, just they didn’t show me any affection. I know its
not their fault though. I can’t say much for my dad
considering I barely really know him, but I see the way my
nana reacts to my mom, and it’s the same way, so I guess
her mother didn’t show her any affection either. I don’t
know about Steve, but I bet we’re more similar than I
think. I know he tries though, so that’s the main thing.
He’s definitely gotten better over time.
Anyway, I don’t regret it one bit. Around the time that
all that shit with Shane was happening, I was drifting
further and further away from Steve. I stopped telling him
that I loved him, not because I didn’t, but because I
didn’t want him to say it to me. I know that probably
doesn’t make sense, but I needed to see if Steve was saying
it to me as an automatic response to what I was saying, or
if he could say it to me first. I wish the shit with Shane
hadn’t happened, I really do. I can’t believe I hurt Steve
like that, but like I said, I thought he didn’t care. I
thought he would just cuss at me and then tell me that he
had another girlfriend anyway, or just tell me that he
didn’t care. That’s why when he reacted the way that he
did, it really shook me up because I wasn’t expecting it.
Telling him was horrible. I must have had a quarter of a
bottle of vodka straight just to find the courage to tell
him… I had to tell him though. I knew that as long as I had
feelings for Shane, then I couldn’t be straight with Steve,
and that was wrong. I had to get it all out in the open,
because it was tearing me apart. I did tell Steve all
about Shane with the intention of breaking up. Not because
I wanted to be with Shane, nothing like that at all. I just
thought that I had caused enough pain and that it was
better if we broke up, and that we were better as friends.
Shane would have probably tried to be with me after that,
but I wouldn’t have been able to do that to Steve. That’s
a bit rough, to say the least. You don’t just break up
with someone and then go out with someone else, someone
should tell those yanks that. Steve took it a lot badly
than I thought. I really did think he’d just yell and
scream and then move on, that’s what I was expecting. But
it was the first sign of affection that I’d ever seen from
him, when he did react to that. That was really weird. I
wish that I didn’t have to hurt him like that to get a
reaction though. When he told Shane that he wanted to kill
himself, I knew just how badly he was taking it. I think
Shane knew that too, because otherwise he would have never
told me. I think that was a good thing for Shane to do, he
may act like an arrogant cockhead most of the time, but he
does have a heart, somewhere. When I heard that Steve
wanted to kill himself, I was so worried about him. I
wanted to ring his house and talk to him, but I thought he
would hang up on me or that I’d make things worse, so I
wrote him an email just explaining everything to him and
that I wanted to be with him. When Shane told me that shit
about Steve, I knew that I wanted to be with Steve, and
when Steve did decide to forgive me, I vowed never to hurt
him again, and I haven’t dared do that. And the rest is
history...
Sheesh... we’ve had our ups and downs, Steve and I. It
hasn’t all been roses, but who has a relationship like
that? All I’ve written today is about our problems, issues
that we’ve had to deal with. It hasn’t all been bad. If
you take away a few misunderstandings, the picture shit and
Shane, the rest of it is very good. I feel like I have
found a soulmate in Steve. I know, I know, I said that I
didn’t believe in them not so long ago, but if you define a
soulmate as someone who will always be there for you, then
I’ve definitely found that in Steve. He’s not perfect, but
who is? A few fights in a year is understandable. A
year. That’s a hell of a long time. But I’m looking
forward to the rest of them, let me tell you.
Fuck, this is about the longest thing I’ve ever written. I
might have to cut this down or something, I don’t know if
I’m allowed to write this much. Its almost been about two
hours since I started, and I was actually going to make
this short. That’s what happens when I get started about
Steve, I can write forever. I guess its hard to sum up a
years’ worth of memories in a few lines, even Ash cant do
that ;) I really should go now and do that studying,
otherwise I really will be up all night. See ya tomorrow.
Err... signing off, Cher.




Ad: