Sullen Girl

A Bird Upon the Wind
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2001-09-03 03:58:43 (UTC)


So my last entry was pretty short and random, sorry I had
to cut out like that, but someone came in the room and was
reading over my shoulder which made me feel uncomfortable
so I just clicked submit and closed up shop. And I am not
really in the mood ti write right now. Kind of sad. I am
really sad that Jake doesnt care about me enough to email
or call me. He says he is busy with work and school, but
everyone is busy and everyone works. I am pretty sure I am
more busy than him anyways and I still find time. So do I
deserve this torment? Should I just cut him out of my life
for good? Because if he is not going to actively be a part
of my life then I dont know if I can take the hurt and pain
I feel thinking he doesnt care. Everytime I check my email
and theres no letter from him, the dissapointment I feel is
so awful inside. He is supposed to care about me more than
anyone and I dont understand what he is doing. Is he trying
to push me away already? Move on, get over me? Or is he
really just being a thoughtless asshole whos not keeping in
touch with me? Part of me thinks that I should move on, cut
him out and not see or talk to him ever again. But the
other part of me is scared to lose someone so important in
their life. For three years, I relied on him to be there
for me, listening to me, holding me and wiping my tears
away and now I have no one to do those things for me and I
dont know what to do with myself. Letting go is so hard.
And we haven't been seriously back together for a year. I
mean we would kind of get back together for like a month,
but then something would go wrong and we wouldnt see
eachother for another three months. This has to be the most
dragged out ending ever. And what will the ending be? I
always like to believe in happy endings, its some sort of
Disney complex I develeoped as a child. And I want to
believe that somehow someway Jake and I are going to find
our way back to those extremely happy times, where I
couldnt breathe when he touched my kneck, or I couldnt see
when he kissed me. I need that. All my other relationships
with other guys since him seem so empty when I compare to
Jake. That magic isnt there in the first kiss, like with me
and Jake. And do I just cancel every guy out that doesnt
make me feel that way? Am I going to feel that way again,
or is that only with first true love? I dont know what I
want right now anyway. I dont want a boyfriend, but I hate
playing the field. I just want companionship right now.
Someone to talk to, someonen to go to the movies with,
someone to take me to dinner, or go hiking. Just someone to
take my mind off my sadness. Well, thats enough feeling
sorry for myself for one night. Hope everyone has a
fabulous Labor Day. Later...

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