My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-12-26 04:56:19 (UTC)

Just a lot of things on my mind...

OK first off, i have to start with not sure what
to think, but it feels like he is done...i mean i might be
wrong, and i might just be acting selfish and not seeing
his side, maybe these last few months are really hitting
him hard, but it feels like i have served my purpose to
him, i dont mean that as bad as it sounds, i just dont
think he really has any intentions on pursuing me, he will
never say god i want to be with you, god i want you to be
mine, he will never ask me to be his gf, and we wont live
happily ever after, in fact, im not really sure what we
are at the current point so hoping to be his one and only
seems a lil silly to me, i mean right now i dont even feel
like a friend, or if i am a firend to him, im a highly
unimportant one...i love him, and it hurts to think these
things, in fact it makes me cry just trying to imagine all
of those things never coming true, but i think its time i
just faced reality, maybe he doesnt love me, maybe he
never will, maybe he doesnt want to, maybe im just nothing
that he cares to commit to...its just hard to know that
after nnie months time he couldnt have decided if he wants
me or not, i mean i was always a believer that if someone
truely loved me and wanted to be with me he would know
from the moment he met me and would hold on to that as
long as i would let him....i've given josh every
oppurtunity to let me know that he wants to be with me, i
mean i get the god i want you phrases and the if i could i
would talks, but i just dont really buy it any more, im
not going to keep torturing myself with all of this, i
cant keep thinking about it and going back and forth, if
he loves me and wants me he should just say it and do it,
if he doesnt, then damn it tell me so i can carry on with
my life...i mean i do think he is amazing and all but my
life is kinda important to and im awfully damn lonely, so
if he cant be with me, then let me be with someone who
can, i mean he has never said wait on me, but he knows
that i wuoldnt give up hope unles he just flat out said
it, i mean i know its me not facing reality a lot of the
time, but its more fun to live life with a lil romantic
flavor dont you think...and he knows this about me, so
just do something...these last few months have really just
kicked me in the ass, trying to deal with him not around
and him never calling and him blowin me off for our
thanksgiving meeting, even though he had an excuse, just
has kinda worn me down to the point where i say, its all
on you now..and i dont think thats me being mean at all i
jsut think its me being tired, tired of being the only one
trying...if he wants me then he should let me know...he
should be the one who tries, he should be the one that has
the faith and he could be the one that makes the
move...take a risk for gods wont kill you, the
best/worst thing that could happen is that i wuold
actually take you up on it, and really either way i would
have to say he but thats just me thinking
highly of myself....
anywho, next thing, this whole moving thing, god it never
leaves my mind, its like my outlet, im always like one day
when i actually get to move away i can do this and i can
go here and i can do that....its just the one thing that i
really really want not entirely sure i can afford
it, but hell everyone has to fall on their face once in
their lives, im just hoping this isnt it, bc i kinda feel
like i did that once already with preston....
school, money, clothes, tanning bed, nails, hair,
food...all of these things cost a hell of a lot of a lil nervous, i mean i know i am high
maintenance when i tcoems to me keeping myself the way i
like to be kept but im not stupid i can narrow down to the
bare essentials if i absolutly have to, but it would be
nice to actually stay afloat and not look like trailor
best so happy for my best friend, heather, i
think she has really found her mate for life i do beleie,
i laugh bc they met online, which she used to harass me
about ...but they seem so happy together, for only knowing
each other a few weeks i can already see that this guy is
really realy right for her, i jsut hope this one works jealous, she has the kind of relationship that i
really want...
ok there i said it, im really so lonely that
i cant see straight....i miss talking to someone for hours
and i miss looking into somenes eyes, i miss lauging
uncontrolably together, i miss being touched, and held, i
miss getting so comfortable wtih one another that you can
fall asleep in their arms, i miss getting to baby my
baby..i miss getting to call someone baby...i want to go
out and be impressed with someones intelligence, and wit,
i want the tingles again damn it...i miss the
tingles...the tingles are great, and it sucks because i
just gave up on a relationship where the tingles still really sucks when you get the
tingles in a realy bad relationship there should be like a
built in safety device that shuts off the tingles when you
are around a guy that treats you bad but i guess it doesnt
work that way..anywho, yeah tingles, i wanna be a lil
nervous and i want to blush and i want someone to learn my
fears and my insecurities, and i want them to make me feel
so much better about them when i am with them...i want to
finally make ove to someone and not just have sex....i
really want a real relationship, i really want to be in
love and have the fights and get frustrated but still at
the end of the day want to be nowhere else but in their
arms...i want someone to think about in clas again, i
really want that guy..whoever he is i just want to be with
him, even if i have met him before i want to meet him in a
whole other way, i thought last year i was ready to date
preston but i wasnt...adn that wasnt my fault i actually
think you need to have a lil brain damage for taht to
happen, and when josh was still around a daily part of my
life i thought i was ready then too, but it wouldnt ahve
worked out bc he wasnt ready...i was the type of gf that i
wanted to be to him even though we werent dating...i want
to be what i was when josh and i first started those first three months....and even those
last two was great, it really honestly felt
like i mattered and that i for once in my life was truely
making someone happy, and i want to feel like i can do
that again..i dotn feel like i brighten any ones day i
dont feel like i make someone perk up when i talk to them,
in fact i oftentimes just feel like i dont matter...not
that i shouldnt exist...just that i dont have an impact on
anyone, and that kinda scares me..i dont want to be that
insignificant..i mean i dont want to be fucking life
altering, but geez a lil notice now and then couldnt kill
things that i think about...will i ever lose the weight
that i really want to..will i ever not feel like the short
fat girl, is plastic surgery wrong? if i do find the right
guy to be with will he be mad if i want him to use a
condom even if we are in a relationship....preston felt
weird about it does that meanm every other guy will take
offence?...does josh ever think about asking me out, has
he ever wanted me to be his gf....if you go out on a date
and the guy feels more like a distance cousin in place of
a brother does that mean the relationship is
salvagable?...what if i move to charlotte and im just as
unhappy there...what if i move to charlotte and josh
decided to go back to virginia anyways?...what will that i go out on dates even though im positive i want
to be with that like cheating?...does josh go
out on dates?...if i dont change my attitude soon people
are gonna stop talking to me, if i dont get happier soon
im going to weigh five hundred pounds...can you really
live off of your savings and some money form the grant for
three years without a job....can i really handle three
more years of school..does school relaly matter that much
to you...what if i met the man of my dreams and he was
rich and didnt want me to work or said i didtn have to
would i finish school anyways/...are your parents proud of you care....i wonder if i can have a dog in my
new apartment..can i really find an apartment in charlotte
that isnta rat hole that i can afford...will i ever feel
that connection with josh that i used to feel...have i
been a part of making him so unhappy these past few there anything i cna do to make it better for
him..does he want me to make it better for i put
too much pressure onmyself to make things i
really feel like i am the only one who can make what i
want come true...yep pretty much..i have lost almost all
of my faith in people...i trust virtually no that you think tis not really...until
someone proves me wrong i have nothing to go on...god i
want josh to prove me wrong...i want him to just blow me
away...would he ever date me with him in gastonia and me
in boone....what am i gonna do with all of my extra time
this semester if josh doesnt want to see me...i mean i
didnt do it for him but it ended up working out nicely to
where i could actually have him there with me a lot....i
guess its up to him...i wanna make him happy..i really
want to make itlike it used to be before he left me and
got sad and depressed and kinda out of touch...i want him
to be as happy with me as he used to be..i dont feel like
i impress him any more..i dont feel like the person i am
is as appreciated by him any more...i wanna love
someone...i wanna feel love