Jena's Rants
2001-09-03 03:07:58 (UTC)

Learned Behaviour and the Loser Mentality

this night has been awfully weird. it seems that mr.
rampant philosophies and his cutie patootie may have gotten
themselves into a lil dilema. i am concerned for them, i
hope all goes well. my hoppy is not doing well. i feel
very bad for him. especially because we had to have a
discussion about some concerns dealing with anger
management and how to treat others. it was probably not
the best time to deal with it concerning his health. he
decided to go to band practice though, and i knew it was
going to be too much for him. i wish he had listened to
me, but you can't control people. you need to let them
learn from their own mistakes. unfortunately he turned
into a meanie monster because of this overexertion. oh
well, sa la vie. i have this ridiculous feeling of
foreboding. i do not know where it is coming from, but it
is most likely going to cause me to have a restless night.
i can't seem to shake it. i know from past experiences
that if i can't shake a feeling it is happening for a
reason. it is a very bad feeling too. i can't quite
explain it. i am feeling a very heavy feeling of loss. i
kinda feel like i could cry my eyes out right now. i
couldn't allow myself to do that though. especially
without a very good reason. besides i don't want to give
any losers amunition with which to load their sympathy
guns. those kinds of hits kill me instantly. i have this
ever increasing feeling, it is sort of nagging at me, that
it is time for me to move on out of this stagnant ass city
and find some place beautiful. someplace untouched by
civilization. i really believe that i could live out the
rest of my days in a place with wide open skies, nature in
it's wild way (not pruned or made to go any certain
direction by man's ever changing demands). a place where
it is silent, where i can hear my real voice. not the
voice of what everyone expects me to be, or what people
expect from me. i mourn the loss of me. the me that i can
barely remember now, but i know that i did exist once.
sometimes i can still feel her, stirring just underneath.
it must just be her ghost though, because i can most
certainly feel her death. it was sad, no one noticed. i
barely noticed. no. i did. i just wouldn't allow myself
to feel sorrow. it was partially my fault anyhow. no,
again. it was completely my fault. i let her be hurt, and
instead of making up for all of that pain that she was
exposed to by others, all i did was go right ahead and hurt
her more. that is the worst too. the injury done by the
one who should love you most. you don't realize what you
have until it's gone. now i have to live out this
existence without a soul. i don't know why this body just
doesn't give out. i am a complete farce. an image of what
i think i should be from moment to moment. some based on
the original, but only a very poor copy. i miss me with
originality and flair. i miss my true creativeness. i
miss my honesty, my innocense, i miss how easily i could
love. i hate how prudent i have become with my trust. how
paranoid i am. how i always see the evil in people.
eating from that tree, you know - the one of good and bad
knowledge. well, if that really happened, it was the worst
fucking thing anyone could have ever done. ignorance truly
is bliss, and knowing how badly you've fucked up is the
worst hell.