this is my life
2001-09-02 23:09:43 (UTC)

:::fuck self-hatred:::

i thought i was feeling better about the whole fratboy
situation, but im not. i miss the way things were while he
visited over the summer. i cant help but think about how
perfect everything was and how unperfect it is now. it
makes me so mad that hes being like this. its so unfair for
me. i feel like im being strung along, i dont know how
things will work out, i dont know if i should consider
seeing anyone, or whether im even ready to do that. im
certainly not over him and i dont see myself being over him
anytime soon. i wish he would jus realize how fucking
stupid he is and stop being like this. he is hurting me in
ways he doesnt even know. i am so insecure about everything
now, i am more critcal of myself than i ever thought
possible. i think that subconsicously i feel like the
reason he's being like this is because there is something
wrong with me so i try to find flaws in myself. it is sooo
unhealthy. i cant understand how he could be like this. he
said so himself that we were good for each other, that i
was beautiful, that when he moved back here things would be
so awesome. how come i cant jus hate him? instead i have
self-hatred... how dumb is that??