2002-12-25 08:32:07 (UTC)


Merry XMAS. There just isn't much to be merry about though.
It seems the older you get, the less appealing the holiday
is for you. Anyway, it's 2:53am right now.....I can't
sleep. Since I've been home from school, it's been hard for
me to sleep. I want to say that I'm becoming accustomed to
the lil bed I have at school, but I'm not really sure
that's it. Who knows what's wrong. I've had a lot of stuff
floating around in my head too. Maybe that's what it is.
I've just been thinking about next semester. Oh yeah, I did
pretty good my first semester. I got all B's! Yeah, I'm
keeping HOPE alive. While that is very good compared to
other people I know who are in college.....deep down, I
know I could have done better. I want to do better too. I
just have this thing about not pushing myself too hard or
burning myself out. If I keep thinking like that though,
I'll never do things to the limit....I'll just keep doing
things only enough to get by. Something has to change.
Overall, I'm just ready to go back to school. M'ville is
sooooooo boring. When I'm at school, I want to come back
but when I get here....I'm ready to go back to school. I
just don't think there is anywhere in between for me. I
feel like that's why I have so much going through my head
right now. I can never find satisifaction in anything.
Nothing is ever good enough for me. I'm not really sure how
I could fix that. From the outside looking in, you would
never be able to tell that I'm unhappy about things. Well,
a lot of things make me unhappy. A lot of people....and the
actions they take. I sometimes think if I have a disorder
or something. I've read so many articles about disorders
that have symptoms that sound like the problems I face.
Call me crazy, but I sometimes think if there is something
really wrong with me. I don't really think I'm depressed
though. Hell, who knows!

Why does everyone smoke now? When I say everyone, I mean
EVERYONE! It's awful. I called myself doing it to see what
the hype was.....I don't get it.?????????????That feeling
isn't all that great. I just don't understand it. I see all
these dudes that do it and I just think to
myself.....several years down the road, these are suppose
to be the men that I pick from to marry?????.....doesn't
sound too promising. I've heard people say they smoke
because it eases their mind. Okay, that's why I called
myself smoking....I thought my mind was going to be set
right. If anything, it had me thinking about some crazy
stuff.....then when I woke up the next day, I was trying to
figure out what I was thinking about during my phase of
high-ness. Ummm, that's like having a song stuck in your
head and trying to figure out who sings it. It didn't do
anything for me. I mean, do what you do.....but.......just
don't expect me to take you seriously.