My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-12-24 04:43:35 (UTC)

my big fat ass...

my big fat ass is starting to annoy me...i dont want to
have it any more...i am sick of it...usually i find that
most people dont think i am fat...its so funny, i cant
tell if they are just being nice or if i just carry myself
well but most people think i weigh about 30 pounds less
than i actually do...its so great...the bad part is..i
feel like i weigh about 30 pounds heavier than i do...i
wanna look cute to me...i know that there are guys that
think i am a knockout...but i dont feel like a
knockout....and until i get to the point where i feel like
a knockout i wont be happy...ok so my goal...doubtful that
it will come true...but its somthing to hope for or shoot
for or come close to any ways...i am most liely moving to
charlotte in either may june or july...most likely the
sooner the better....that would give me five
goal in five months is to lose at least thirty
pounds......thats what i want..i would like to lose a few
sizes..not too much...just enough to feel cute...just
enough to wear the clothes that i want to wear and feel
confiddent again...i just feel lke the short fat kid again
and i hate it...i dont like that feeling..i wanna feel
sexy again and not just i worked it out to
where my schedule for college is now entirely centered
around me being able to get the right amount of sleep, get
some exercise in, get good meals and bring my gpa up...the
next few months are all about me..i have officially given
up preston i dont want to talk to him again if he tried to
talk to me i would most likely ignore him...i am not
really looking for a serious guy in boone even though i
techinically could be dating right just looking
to make me happy...josh..hell if i know whats going on
there...i havent talked to him in a week even though he
was suppose to call him or at least me a message...guess
he forgot, or found a better offer...i dont want to be but
i feel i am starting to get a lil pissed about
just tired of being on hold bc his life is so fucking
important..dont get me wrong i love him..i really really
love him and would give damn near anything to be with
him...i really feel we are good together but fuck me...i
am just starting to feel like my needs wants hopes and
wishes just dont mean a god damn thing to him any more and
that just pisses me off...i always try and be curteous and
let him have his way and let him do whatever he wants and
say whatever he wants just let him be happy with his
decisions but i am starting to feel like its a wasted
effort and that he will never choose me...i really feel
like sometimes i havent even made it on to his list of
prioriteis, fuck being the last in line, im not even sure
he sees me in the line, im not near the line, hell i am a
good two or three blocks away from the fucking
just tired of it....i know he wold be one hell of a bf i
knw he is a great firned i know that he is one hell of a
person in general..i jsut kinda wish i had more of his in that last two months i might have gotten
him for three hours...and thats just hard to hold on
to...those few moments can only last a person so
long...and its getting hard...i am getting depressed about
things, not enntirely having to do with him..i mean a lil,
but not a just fed up and im ready to be happy ready to feel like i deserve better than just a
few ready to be worthy of someone..and my hope
is that after the next five months go by, iam going to
feel fucking amazing..i am going to be just straight up
awesome..i eman i think as far as personality, i got it
down, its just the looks and the romantic aspect of my
life tha makes me feel like i am just not worth it...well
fuck that i am well worth lonely, its killing
me..i havent been treated right by a guy in a long time
and i dont care how strong you think you are when you love
someone and they dont treat you the way you deserve to be
treated, it fucks with your head and makes you doubt a lot
about yourself, and im tired of really ready to
just be happy, a slim, curvacious, confidnet independent
happy young woman who can make it on her own but is ready
to be loved and respected and treated the right way by a
really great guy...josh if you are that guy, then step
up...ive been ready for you, dont you want me too?