freeze time to blossom eternally through
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2001-09-02 11:11:55 (UTC)

today...argh...the first of september

just in case anyone does decide to read this...ill start
out with a little bit about me. im an extremely weird
person...or at least i feel that way. my name is cailin j.
miller. of course it has been changed for privacy purposes
as well as most of the names that will go mentioned in my
writing. so i guess my name isnt that important afterall.
ok...back to me. im 21 and i love music and movies. they
are my life. my computer...i love that too...i guess the
internet more than my actual computer. im bi, i guess, i
really dont know these days. i used to be an athlete for a
university, on scholarship and everything...but got kicked
off the team and am now living at home with my parents with
my cat, who is one of the most important things in my
life. im going to a community college for now until i
figure out what the hell i want to do with my so called
life. i really want to be an actress but im not too sure
if i could pull that one off. i work at the olive garden
as a hostess. its an all right job, im waiting to get
promoted to a server...but thats all boring.

ok, today. not much different from the rest. i rolled out
of bed to the sound of my cell phone ringing. i check the
caller ID...private caller...dont you hate that? i freakin
do. but i know its one of my best friends, lisa. we made
plans last night when we were out drinking with her
girlfriend to go shopping the next day. ive known lisa for
16 years. thats crazy...thats like 3/4 of my life. we met
in first grade at a private school and were best friends
until 8th grade. we continued on to a all girl school and
still stayed close friends. i went away to college and we
kinda lost touch. but now that im back we are pretty much
back to being best friends. i spend almost everyday with
her just getting fucked up and talking about our so called
love lives.

so back to the call. she tells me that her girlfriend,
lara, hasnt called yet and that she will give me a ring as
soon as she hears from her. now i have the hots for lara,
and she has the hots for me. we mad flirt in front of
lisa, which is a pretty shitty thing to do considering shes
one of my best friends. so i lay around...sign online and
download some punk songs for this girl im totally in love
with but lives in texas, joan. so im downloading these
songs and watching the deleted scenes to hannibal. all
these songs have to do with love, like either lost loves or
people madly in love with someone who doesnt love them
back. lots of hidden messages for her. my mom is storming
in every 10 seconds to use my cell phone since i get free
weekend minutes with free long distance. i hate letting
her use my phone bc she doesnt know how to answer call
waiting. i give it to her anyway just to get her out of my
hair. so im all sad bc im totally in love with joan. she
says she wont date me bc im such a good friend and blah
blah blah. ive heard all the excuses in the book from this
girl. finally lisa calls. theyre gonna pick me up in a
few. i go to jump in the shower...but stop to say bye to
my parents. moms off to work and dads off to see my
uncle. so i wash up...brush my teeth...spray on my happy
and wait for them to come.

a knock at the door and i let lisa in. shes like "cmon
hurry up dude." she knows me too well. you see, i am so
scatterbrained. my rooms a mess, i can never find my keys
or anything for that matter. im trying so hard to get
organized since i dont want to hear lisa complain anymore.
whenever we go to leave, im like "wait dude...wheres my
license, wait i cant find my atm card...or have you seen my
keys?" but amazingly today i know where everything is. i
lock up the house and we are off. lara has a little girl,
brooke. actually, shes also engaged to this guy shes known
since she was like 14. brookes dad though is some other
guy who she still loves as well. what a twisted triangle.

we get to the mall and we go to all the department stores
that are having the sales. lara is the only one really
shopping since shes really the only one who has any money.
lisa and i are making fun of everyone we see, we find humor
in everything. lara is pushing brooke around in her
stroller and im thinking about how much i wish i was in
that twisted triangle. of course it wouldnt be that much
of a triangle now would it. so we finally go into gap kids
and lisa buys brooke this little oufit and lara is looking
for more clothes. so its just brooke and me. im staring
at this 15 month old and trying to make her laugh. all my
attempts were futile until i started showing her my tongue
ring. she thought it was the coolest thing, as do i.
finally, lara finishes up and we go to the check-out line.
im staring at a wad of money in her hand and notice a
hundred sitting on top. i say "damn girl" and she tells
me its her allowance. i asked from who and she just gives
me this look. i know lisa isnt giving her allowance, she
cant even afford gas to get to my house which is like 3
miles from hers. so then i figure it out. her fiance.
ding ding. i dont say anything to lisa though. shes got
enough to deal with lara being engaged, in love with
brookes dad, and flirting with me. she slaps down her
hundred and we finally leave.

i ask if they want to eat, but they have plans to eat
lobster later. im like fuck that, lets go up to the food
court, so i can eat something affordable. we go, and i
grab a slice of pizza and a dr. pepper. dr. pepper is
almost the only beverage i drink. i eat and talk to them
about this cd i want to get. but i got to get home and
iron my shirt for work. so we walk to the elevator. i
never realized what a pain strollers were until i had to
walk to all the elevators since the damn thing couldnt fit
up the escalators. so were sitting at the elevator waiting
for it to come back up. we start making fun of all the
people that try to rush into the elevators before letting
all the people out. it happens every time, sure enough.

we go to leave the mall and lara gets a call on her celly.
as we exit the mall she stays in the shade instead of
walking to her car which is in like the third spot. lisa
and i walk to her car and just wait. im like who the shit
is she talking to that she has to stay by the mall. lisa
just shakes her head. we sit there and talk about how she
slipped earlier about smoking out when we were walking
around. lara doesnt want lisa to smoke, but lisa and i did the
night before. lisas always like...dude dont tell lara.
and then SHE slips. i found humor in it. finally lara
gets to the car and we drive home. i say thanks for
picking me up and dropping me off. i run up to my house
and unlock the door. i go and sign online to see if joans
there. shes not. argh, so i go and iron my shirt and sit
around and play around on the internet talking to this girl
in canada. finally its time to go...i put the blank cd in
before i leave and press record.

work...i love my work. im such a people person. i love
talking to our guests and making them laugh. so anyways,
i drive up, its only like a mile from my house, and its
packed. i mean PACKED. i rush in and everyones running
around like maniacs. i get along with almost everyone. i
cant stand this one girl though...argh and i had to work
with her. i hung out with her a few times outside of work
and shes a pretty fucked up person. so shes working
tonight and she thinks we are like best buds...of course.
but other than that the night went smoothly. i got this
one girl who thinks im so cool to cover me so i could go
home early so i could go to this gay club with lisa. so i
get off early and call lisa but she took off with her
cousin somewhere. she hardly gets to see him so im not too
upset. besides it means i can get online and talk to
joan. on the way home i call my friend, kate, from my old
college and talk to her for a few while i drive thru
mcdonalds and get some food. i told her to sign on later
on so we could chat since it had been awhile.

i come home, no ones there except for my kitty who im so
excited to see. i go to my computer and the cds made. i
start to play it and write down the order of songs. now,
im a lyric freak. i love reading the words to songs. so
im thinking, since im sending this to joan, the girl of my
dreams, i should maybe print out the words to the songs and
send them so she can maybe pick up on the subtle hints in
these songs, right? im listening to the cd and
searching the net for the lyrics to all these songs. some
cannot be found so i typed them all up. kate signs on and
we're chatting about joan and how i should give up on her.
so, i have a few more songs to find and joan signs on. im
beaming with excitement, but she doesnt IM me. so finally
after a few minutes i give in and im like "hey do you read the lyrics
to songs?" to which she responds "uh no." my heart sinks and
i delete all the work i did. so im kinda sad and upset and
she tells me she cant talk bc she has a new friend over. i
get all jealous and write "i cant take this anymore" and
sign off. pretty immature i know. but im in love with
this girl and she just doesnt feel the same and its killing
me. i write her a letter bc im sending her that damn cd
and 2 pictures of angelina jolie that i took at the
original sin premiere. if you cant tell by my username, im
in love with angelina jolie...almost to the point of
obsession. i even got a hug from her at the premiere. so
joan asked for copies of these pics i took, so i promised
her i would send them to her.

after awhile i sign back on and shes gone. im kinda upset
bc she wants me to go visit her, and i do too, but i know
how hard it will be on me since she just thinks of me as a
friend. im still talking to kate and my other friend signs
on, jerome. jerome is a friend from my old college too. he
used to have the biggest crush on me, and he still kinda
does. weve hooked up a few times and i dunno...we talk about hooking
up a lot more. he knows all about joan and i tell him how im all
upset and broken hearted. so finally joan signs back on
and we get in this huge blow out fight and she tells me to
fuck off and that this is goodbye and signs off. im all
sad and shocked that our friendship is over. i mean weve
been talking for about 8 months on the net and on the
phone, and we just got to meet 2 weeks ago when i had a
layover in her city on the way home from my vacation. shes
one of my best friends, knows everything about me.

im talking to my friends about how sad i am, and my celly
rings. i look and its joan. but she hangs up. im like
what the fuck? she calls again, and hangs up. all my
friends say not to call her back, but i do. i forgot that
her and i had this system where she calls and hangs up, so
i call her back since i get free nights and weekends. so i
call her back and it just rings and rings. i was like
OKAAAAAAAAY. so i give it a minute or 2 and call again.
she answers and she doesnt want to talk. shes pissed bc i
didnt call her when she signed off. i was like...dude cmon
you told me to fuck off. and she says it shouldnt matter.
this is when i cant stand girls and want a boyfriend more
than anything...when they make absolutely no sense. so, we
talk, and we both cry at different times. and i try to
figure out why she doesnt care for me like i do for her.
not much more to say. her and i go round and round about
the whole dating and love issue. one day she will fall.
she better at least.

well im still talking to kate, but its time to go to bed.
i got to wake up early and go to work. well see what
tomorrow has in store...