kitart

artist's mind
2002-12-24 00:39:07 (UTC)

damn tired

ok...day started at 4am. couldnt coundnt sleep later. got
up, went to work, got caught in traffic, oil light went on
in my car, stopped got gas and oil, poured oil in, got all
over my hand...worried half to death about being late to
work (first day) temp job. got there onm time. fine fine
good. lunch called N. he....saw my email to him.
apologized for for the neglect?...whatever call
it...feelings surged. damn. fine. called temp
agency...nothing....crashed...nearly sideswiped a car, man
in the car had a fit (justified possibly) of roadrage and
spent the next lil bit cutting me off and shouting at me.
just waved and told him to get over it. whatever. back to
work...fine...cruised the net a bit, found aome job
openings at the museum...I'll send off resumes tomorrow,
one at teh university too, send that tomorrow too. fine...

got off that job, traffic not too bad, straight to evening
job, busy busy, work work work....fine...done got to leave
there jsut after 7, pretty good. home now....

taken as a whole this day perfectly describes my life a
series of ups and downs and near misses.

teh razor is appealing to me. now that I've started
cutting on my arm again (ohhhh and that is satisfying in a
way that cutting on my legs never could be) I want to more.

a voice screaming at me today...a part of myself I can only
suppose....screaming "Hate you hate you hate you why the
hell wont you DIE??? DIE dammit what do I have to do???
Bitch bitch!! DIE!" Just noticed it almost absently on
the way to the evening job. As if it is so much a part of
me....and yet it was not only full of hate but full of
agony too...as if I hurt it by being alive. As if I were
its enemy as well as it being mine. Which is the reason I
at least partly disagree with Tim onteh matter of teh beast
and its 'fun'. Oh god...a sudden idea....it is not the
beast sceaminga t all...its the child. in me. and it
hates me for making it suffer so. I dont know.

I know that in general I am too bloody minded and stubborn
to give up. This would surprise certain people heh. Or
possibly not. again I think I just have to keep moving
until movement is no longer possible..then drop.




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