Enter the realm of the forsaken sheep
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2002-12-23 22:35:58 (UTC)


I thought I would start doing something like this to keep
myself sane and also to let everyone into what I like to
call the twisted psyche that is my life.

It's vacation, I am incredibly bored. I am not supposed to
be online right now and I am not supposed to watch T.V. I
can't do ANYTHING for that matter, except be on the phone :/
At least I am going to England in 2 days. Today I woke up
at noon and then went online for the rest of the day
(pretending to be doing work).After all I've done, I'm
quite surprised my parents aren't more suspicous of me. I
mean, I just came back from sleeping at Bela's house for 3
days. All I told them is that I was doing work with her and
they let me go. Trippy...
I've been feeling a bit more depressed lately. Nothing
seems to be making me happy. My music makes me feel better
as does ballet, but it's just not the same. While I was at
Bela's house with Sandra, we were also very bored so we
watched The New Guy. I have to admit, it was a very bad
movie. I mean they had funk people-ish stuff in it, but the
movie was just pointless. Well, I am very BORED. I need to
find the house key. I lost it! My parents will kill me. I
need to find the key. I searched 3 hours looking for it,
but I still couldn't find it.
I really am beggining to lose hope. The things that used to
make me so happy are now slowly running away to a new land,
leaving me behind all alone. I really don't know where I
even belong anymore. I don't know who I am or what I
belive. Nobody understands me, some people say they do, but
they don't. How can they understand me if I don't even
understand myself? And my friend Chelsea is getting all
bent out because this person she is in love with doesn't
like her and he loves someone else. Teen drama makes me
feel bad for her. She was even going to commit and I did
take her seriously. I tried to tell her that in a few years
his name probably won't even cross her mind, but she just
wouldn't listen. Finally, she came to her senses and tried
to not think about him.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have friends that I
will always be friends with no matter what, but we all just
don't connect as we used to. Aaron moved. Amy's moving
next year for her dance. Debbi and I will still be friends,
but it's just not the same without them.
My parents hate me, or my mother hates me and that other
guy who says he's my father hates me. I miss my dad/ I wish
he would come back and they know how fucked up my life is.
But they just won't cut me some slack. If I don't do
anything the way they think I should or perfectly I'm
always in the wrong. I try never talking to them. It's hard
living here. My mind is going back to 6th grade, the
philosoplical year with all the pages and pages of
questions and hours upon hours spent on thinking with me
and Debbie. All night phone conversations just trying to
understand what life is all about. Looking back on this I
feel hopeless and empty. I remember just wanting to die,
just wanting to know why we're hear and why I am so
unhappy. Some people say this is a waste of time. Well,
what, praytell, else should I be doing with my time, my
time in which I don't know what it is how it got here or
why it's here. I can't take this much longer. I know I'm
failing school. All my teachers are chasing me telling me
I'm failing. I fucking know it they don't have to make me
even more miserable by reminding me of it. They think I'm
the worst person in the world, cause every single other
person (besides amy&debbie) is a happy little prep who gets
whatever they want. And a problem for them is if they don't
the abercrombie shirt they want.
I just don't know if I'll survive. My mental state is not
normal. I don't know what to do. I will be on my way. I
shall leave you with a quote:
"If one doesn't have something to die for, then they aren't
fit to live."