MelissaAnn

somwhere in between what is real and jus
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2001-09-01 19:52:35 (UTC)

Can anybody her me????

Can anybody hear me? Cna anybody hear me? Or are these
cries for help falling on deaf ears, the sole
acknowledgemnet my slitude and tears? Can anybody hear me?
Can anybody hear me? What are you afraid of? I live my life
without love.
Well, I've benn here before, it's not knew to me, I long to
walk out, to ne finally free. How blind can you be? It's
hurting me so. These thigs that you do, but you'll never
know...
Can anybody hear me? Can anynody hear me? I can't take
anymore pain, I cannot be to blame. Can anybody hear me?
Can anybody hear me? I'm trying as hard as I can, but I can
only be what I am.

God, why does life have to suck? I feel like shit, and I am
not totally sure why. I went to Jakes house last night, it
went ok. His dumbass friends are fucking retards, though. I
will spare you the details of that night. God, it just
seems like I shouls be happy..here I am, I have the perfect
boyfriend, whatever I want is given to me, I always have
some one to talk to.....it's just that though. I don't
really have anyone that I can really talk to. Ok, I know I
just condridicted myself, but what I mean is, I have ppl
that I can talk to, but nobody that really listens. The
only one is Jake, and I am so afraid to tell him everything
that goes on inside my head. I know it would scare him, if
he knew what I was sometimes thinking. I can't talk to him
about the bulimia, depression, cutting, suicide...he
doesn't understand that I am not really over all that kind
of stuff. I know he does the best he can, and I cn talk to
him about it. Oh shit, there I go contradicting myself
again. I want to be able to talk to him about all that... I
know I could, but.....I am just scared. The only reason I
can't, is because I am cinvinced he doesn't want to hear
it. Yet, I know deep down, that he would LOVE it if I told
him everything, and maybe he'd tell me everything, too...

But what is really bothering me today, is my parents. They
seem to think everything is totally fine. I act happy, and
ok, and nice, and good, but if they really knew that hear I
am, there "good little girl" screwing her boyfreind evry
weekend. God, I wish I could talk to my mom abnout that. I
see nothing wrong w/ my having sex w/ Jake, and it isn't
really every weekend, just twice. I want so badly for her
to know, so I can get the medical checkups and stuff, and
especially so I can get the birth control. And also, so I
don't have to feel like I am sneaking it behind her back. I
don't know, they just think the antidepressants have been
working wonders, and I am at a healthy weight, happy, and
back to the little girl they used to know. But I am not a
little girl anymore. I lost my innocence a LONG time ago,
when I had it taken away from me by Steve. God, I am so
confused. I know I should be happy.....but I'm not.


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