lilliana

lilliana
2001-09-01 17:13:40 (UTC)

Mirror, Mirror...

when I look at myself in the mirror, I like what I see. Im
not fat, Im not sickly skinny. Im pretty average. My curves
are nice and my butts big but that's what's in, right? Oh
well, it's only when Im alone with myself staring naked in
the miror that I like what I see. When outside, that image
has crashed and burned. I find myself to be the ugliest
thing when Im around other Molly Simm replicas. My nose is
too big, my butt's too big, Im too fat, my laugh sounds
weird compared to theirs..it's sucha nightmare. To me,
being a hermit crab never sounded so good.
I think I feel this way because my father was always too
shy to tell me I was pretty. I would always see a pained
look on his face whenever my mom would urge him to tell me
I looked nice. This type of behaviour from him lead me to
believe that I really was the ugliest thing on earth,
because if I was truly pretty why couldn't he say so? My
mom on the other hand would shower me with compliments on
my almond shaped eyes and full lips. I remember her
scowering magazine ads for model searches and I would shake
my head and practically give up before even going. This
would piss her off so she stopped looking for agents for
me. Now I kinda regret that...I presume that most people
feel that way about themselves and that's okay...
Now, when I get home from school, I would glance in the
mirror to see if I look okay and I still wouldn't like what
I saw. Just the other night I went up to my dad and
said, "you think Im ugly dad?" and he told me no. I didn't
believe him. All I ever wanted was for him to say I was
pretty and now that he didn't think I was ugly...I still
didn't think so. Beauty is inside. How true. It's so sad
how we emphasize on the outside and produce screwd up little
girls like me.