Cath

my so called life
2002-12-22 01:54:57 (UTC)

And at the end..

(Read my previous entry first)

And at the end of the conversation, when he says he loves
me, I just want to scream YEAH RIGHT and hang up. Of
course, I don't do that. I tell him I love him too, cause I
do. It's not like I've stopped loving him just because
everything feels shitty right now. As the matter of fact,
everything feels shitty because I love him. And I wish I
had the guts to tell him what all of this make me feel
like. But I probably won't.. If he asks me if everything's
ok, perhaps I'll say that I've missed him a lot and that I
get disappointed when I don't get to be with him, but
that's all. And really, that's all there is to it. But I
wish I could make him understand.. understand how scary it
feels to realize that I've become dependent of him in ways
I never thought I would. That he means more to me than I
thought I ever would let someone mean to me.. more than I
should have let him mean to me.
There was this Felicity episode where a poem was
quoted.. 'If equal affection can not be, let me be the
more loving one.' I thought that was really sweet.. well, it's
come right back and hit me in the head. Cause you don't
have to be an expert to see that I'm the more loving one.
And that's what I wanted to be.. but it's f***ing scary. I
just wanna run away screaming. He can hurt me so much. He
would never hurt me intentionally, but that's not the most
hurtful way.. Cause then I could be mad at him for hurting
me and knowing it. He'd never do that. But he can still
hurt me, and I fear that he will. But as I've said before;
you have to put yourself out there.

Oh my god, don't hurt me.