Cath

my so called life
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2002-12-22 01:18:13 (UTC)

Give me just one perfect day

I wish that at the end of one day I could lay back and
say 'today was perfect. Nothing went wrong, not one single
thing.'
For once just close my eyes and truly feel that I had the
perfect day.
I used to have days like that.. This late spring/summer was
pretty much perfect.
Don't get me wrong, things are basically pretty good.. I
like it at university and I am social and happy. But it
feels like for ever since I had that 'the world is perfect'
feeling. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's
probably because you haven't had that feeling yet. And I
know, I'm blessed to have had that feeling, several times
even. But I guess you get spoiled and miss it.

So Ben was supposed to come home yesterday and I was
planning on meeting him at the airport (read my previous
entry). Yeah right. His first plane was delayed, he missed
his next plane and didn't get home till 4 am. I swear, it
goes wrong every f**** time he's coming home. Oh well.
So..
Things got better when I woke up this morning. I was woken
up at 10 am by a kiss. Even though he didn't get home till
4 am, he got up at 9 am and came over to my place to wake
me up. That was really sweet and we spent several hours in
bed just holding each other, kissing and being happy to be
together again. And a little more.. ;)
We got up, had a late breakfast and watched tv before we
went to town to do some last minute christmas shopping.
I've finished all my presents now :) Got Ben his today, I
bought him a pair of really nice jeans. They were pretty
expensive so I don't know if I'm going to get him something
else as well. I'm going shopping again Monday, so I'll see.
Met a lot of old friends I haven't seen for ages in town,
so that was really nice. Afterwards we went back to my
place and Ben gave me my birthday present. I got a really
nice gold necklace with a little, discreet diamond. I loved
it. Then Steve came and picked him up.
So, the beginning of this day was really good. So it's not
that I'm not happy.. I just wished that for once EVERYTHING
could go my way. I know, this sounds really bitchy and
selfish, but this is my diary and I'm supposed to be
honest.
Well, Steve wanted us to go out tonight. I really didn't
feel like it, so I decided to stay at home. When Ben left
my place, he wasn't sure whether he was going out or not. I
was hoping that he wouldn't and be with me instead. I
didn't say anything, cause if he wants to go out with his
friends, he should. I don't want to occupy him all the
time. Before he left we were sitting on my bed kissing, and
he said I think I have to be with you tonight.. you're just
too cute. So I kind of thought he would.
Well, he called me later and told me he had decided to go
out. I was a bit disappointed, but again I didn't say
anything of the same reasons as before. I live not far from
town, so he asked if he could come to my place when the
club closed so that we could spend the night and the next
day together. I said yes, of course.
At 12:30 am he called me and said that he and some of his
friends had decided to go skiing tomorrow, so he couldn't
come to my place. I was like ok.. He loves skiing, so of
course he should go with his friends. I really tried not to
sound upset, but I don't think I managed very well cause he
asked if I was okay and if I thought he just made a lot of
plans with out considering me. I told him that it was ok
and that he should go skiing. He said that he really wanted
to be with me, but.. 'I'll just have to get in line', I
said. He was like 'no, you're always first in line.' It
sure doesn't feel like it all the time.
And I know I'm being unfair. In Norwegian we have this
saying; it's nice to have someone to blame. And that's
really true. Cause the part that annoys me the most is that
I have no right to be angry. I have no right to blame him
for all of this. It's just that I've missed him so much and
I want to be with him so badly. At first he didn't get home
when he was supossed to and all my plans got ruined. And
then I wanted to be with him tonight, but I can't.
And I know, I can't blame him for any of these things. But
they make me upset and I don't know what to do about it.
I'm so sick of all these disappointments.

One of the best things about having a boyfriend is to have
someone to kiss good night and to fall asleep in your
love's arms and to see his face first thing when you wake
up. I've missed so much to wake up and see his gorgeous
sleeping face on the pillow next to me.
Before we went home we talked about how nice it would be to
get to sleep together again. And by sleeping together I
mean sleeping in each other's arms. Of course, the sex-part
is great as well, but that's not what I miss the most about
him. Anyways, we had talked a lot about how nice it would
be. Obviously we won't spend the night together the night
before christmas eve and the day after, since that's a
family thing. So before Christmas we would only get to
spend three nights together. And now we don't even get
that.. we get only one. And that sucks. And I wanna be mad
at him, I wanna scream at him and ask him if he doesn't
care about me. But that's just stupid, cause I know he does
and the first night wasn't even his fault and tonight is
totally understandable. But I just want to be with him..
I've missed him so much and now that he's finally here it
feels like I don't get to be with him at all.
And I can't talk to anyone about this, cause I know I'm
just being stupid. But that's just the way I feel and I
can't help it.


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