still single

sick of all the sh*t
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2002-12-22 01:00:00 (UTC)

been awhile-same sh*t

ok well I'm 29 look a hell of a lot better than I did last
year(now that I've had Lipo)and I keep meeting young men. I
seem to relate better. There just a lot more fun and don't
have ex-wives and kids and so much f'ing baggage... so it
seems. I met a guy about 2 months ago and we hit it off
immediately. It was love at first sight and he has been
making all these plans for us. Wanted me to fly back with
him for Christmas to meet the Fam and so on...Well the
weekend before last we partied a lot(did coke)and we were
both grumpy but on Sunday early morning he had told me
about him being molested by his uncle and brother. Well It
upset me a lot and still does. Well that night we just kept
bickering and it just wasn't like normal so I was afraid he
was getting sick of me so I said maybe we should spend a
couple days apart...apparently to him that meant an
eternity apart.(I didn't realize maybe what he had told me
made him feel like shit that I wanted to take him home that
night..what an ass) Anyways I'd just given him a $500 gold
necklace as his Christmas present(he's 19 by the way). Well
he wouldn't take my calls that week and on Sunday he
finally called at night time and I was at my friends. He
was across the street from my house and called to see why I
wasn't there. Well we had sex that night and I apologized
for just being bitchy(didn't go into details because didn't
even realize I'd hurt him at the time)He said he didn't
want to argue. He said he missed me and was sorry he hasn't
called because he's been busy with work(bullshit)...well he
spent the night kissed me goodbye in the morning and
haven't heard from him since. On thursday I emailed him
briefly just telling him he's in my thoughts and I miss
him...well no response to that but he forwards an email
just to me about not drinking and driving?????? Maybe I
analyze too much but I hope he's still thinking about me.
Oh yeah last Sunday when he came over it seems now like a
booty call and to protect myself I took the necklace from
him and told him it's his Christmas present so he'll get it
back at Christmas(I've been fucked over and I know that may
have upset him too but I'm not risk and not risking it).
Anyway I'm fucking my ex boyfriend until his girlfriend
gets back from vacation to get my mind off (I'll call him
J). I had a one night stand last week and fucking other
guys is the only thing that's getting me through this. I
know he was young but I really thought he was my soulmate
but I guess not if he can't forgive me. I wouldn't mind if
I never heard from him again if I just knew that things
happen for a reason and if he cares enough he'll call and
vice versa. Personally I think he's too much of a pussy to
talk about it but I believe if you love someone enough you
will contact them . Maybe he's met someone else and I don't
want to know about it. I just wish if he wanted to end
things he could get a fucking spine and tell me what the
fuck was up and he wanted to end things ...I don't know. I
keep blaming myself but I have to have faith. (My psycho ex
is the one I'm fucking and what I'll always love about him
is that it doesn't matter what I do or say he always
forgives me and I guess I need someone like that for long
term anyway. I am very loyal if in a committed relationship
and give it my all.) We can never be together again because
I know it wouldn't work out. Too much shit has happened
between us but I need the affection and company right now.
I guess I still have issues to deal with obviously but I'm
so afraid I won't meet someone I love and loves me back and
have a family with which is what I want and am ready for in
the next couple years. Anyways gotta run...will write again
when I can...

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