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dbnsfg
2002-12-21 22:48:41 (UTC)

Earlier..

ive had to resort to typing out my entry in wordpad, to
later paste into my diary... so it's 3:15pm.. linda is here
again, oh the joy.. and as linda comes, georgia and laura
follow.. i feel like they're always laughing at me, like im
not up to their standards or something.. simon called but
no one heard the phone due to the extremely high volume on
smash hits tv.. pop music.. joy.. dad's computer is fucked
to oblivion.. he's having to do something, i dont know
what.. its gonna take all night so i cant connect.. which
leaves me with boredum.. i wouldnt mind so much but im
restless and im depressed and everything's getting to me
and i dont have anything that i can do to stop that.. id go
to sleep but people always wander in and out of my room,
which i still have to share with amber.. its not fucking
fair.. becca and amber went into town this morning.. amber
comes back with a new jacket, two new bags and a load of
stuff from claires.. i got some stripey socks.. amber said
the stuff she had was from her christmas money.. but thats
bullshit cos we were told we were only allowed to get stuff
from the catalogue.. yet here's amber with at least 60
quids worth of stuff from town.. how fucking lame.. becca
doesnt even know where she's put my phone that im supposed
to be getting in 4 days.. my music's pissing me off so
much.. laura came in earlier and said "so are you bi?" and
i was like "yeah, why?" so she goes "eew, thats icky, why
would you want to be bi?".. cos i like girls too maybe?..
she just eyed me up and down, sighed and wandered back to
her trouble causing ways.. why is it that everyone's
disgusted with my sexuality? its my fucking life yet
everyone looks at me as though im weird.. maybe its cos all
the lesbian people are so pretty and perfectly shaped..
whereas i'm not pretty, i dont have a perfect figure or big
breasts or anything like that.. i wish i was better.. i
wish people would accept me for me.. im so sick of people
calling me names and thinking that im weird.. im not weird
to me.. the things i do are normal for me.. like on my face-
pic page.. the things written there, i really do them.. i
run up to homeless people and ask them if they can spare a
quid.. i talk to grates and i tell random strangers i have
fleas.. its funny to me.. i make a fool of myself from
other people's perspective, but for me.. its normal.. its
what i do.. its who i am.. and people dont accept that..
they think im weird or a freak or whatever.. they call me
names and whisper about me behind my back.. if i dont eat,
im looking for attention.. thats what they say.. they think
that i want someone to notice me so i do fucked up things
and its the wrong kind of attention.. I DONT WANT
ATTENTION! I HATE PEOPLE TAKING NOTICE OF ME!.. no one gets
that.. like in the chatrooms, they think that because i
type, i want someone to notice me.. I DONT.. i only type
because it keeps me occupied.. it could be worse.. i could
be telling people about how im not getting any sex or about
how my boyfriend is sleeping with seven different girls,
whilst he's sleeping with me.. at the same time.. because
thats what everyone talks about.. SEX.. WHY IS EVERYTHING
ALWAYS ABOUT SEX?!.. i dont want sex.. i dont see the
fascination.. its not something that appeals to me.. id
rather play video games and laugh at people and buy clothes
people would think were weird.. like my knee pants which my
sister has now claimed as her own, bitch.. i wore my
stripey toe socks with my knee pants and everyone said i
looked stupid.. but i didnt to me.. it was kool to me.. but
no.. whatever anyone else says has to be the truth.. they
made me get changed.. my parents wont take me anywhere in
public because of my 'weirdness'.. IM NOT WEIRD! IM NOT A
FREAK! IM JUST ME!.. i know im not funny.. but the things i
do and say amuse me, so it doesnt matter what anyone else
thinks, right? but it does! do you know how fucking painful
it is to be called a freak every day of your life? to be
looked at like you're different from everyone else? to
think that you're not good enough to be liked?.. everyone
has always told me im shit and that i'll never go anywhere,
that i never help myself, that im not willing to try.. no
one knows the real me and no one would accept it if they
did.. i just wish people could see through what they see
and want to know me.. i wish someone would want to be with
me.. i just wanna be loved, like everyone else.. but im
not.. not by the people i want to be loved by.. no one
seems to pay attention to me and it really hurts.. i dont
know what to do to stop that pain.. all the pain.. never
goes away.. i cant help myself anymore, how's anyone else
supposed to?.. i need food.. i havnt eaten since yesterday
lunch time.. dont want people thinking im starved of
attention now, do we?




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