babygurlyella

babygurlz thoughts
2002-12-21 06:49:57 (UTC)

baahhh humbug

hmm its friday nite, and what do i do best on a friday
nite??? sit home and do nothing! cuz well im a big loser!
I really should try being more social, life is becoming too
boring. My precious angels were here today, although they
werent acting to precious. Well Gwen was fine but Tyler
was a monster. We thought we would take them to the mall
and let them ride the carousel and do some shopping and
whatnot, so we got there right and I took My angel Gwennie
on the carousel and put her on a horsie and Tyler went with
my mother and he sat on the dragon, they were great on the
carousel, Gwen wrapped her arms right around me for dear
life but when the ride was over she wanted to go again,
shes so cute. After that they have this tiny playground
next to the carousel with big trucks u can climb on and a
slide and all this stuff so we were letting them play on
that for a bit and they were ok except Gwen was having
troubles cuz her shoes were stopping her from sliding but
anyways, when it was time to leave there Tyler threw a huge
fit and then when we told him that we were goin to the toy
store he shut right up until we got there. oh god wait til
i tell you this part, its the worst. I was holding Tylers
hand when we went into the store and he was fighting it and
being really bad, and so i picked him up and told him that
if he didnt let me hold his hand then he would have to stay
in my arms until it was time to go. He promised me he
would let me hold his hand, boy was i fooled. He knocked
into people and threw toys and then threw himself into a
shelf full of toys, he hit and kicked me, and then when we
left I picked him up because he didnt want to leave and
well i was rather embarresed and wanted to get the hell
outta the store so on our way out he started kicking his
feet knocking down toys while doin this, a very nice man
told me he would pick up the toys for me. I think he just
did that so i got out of the store with him faster, hehe.
But he was so bad, I dont know what has gotten into him,
hes normally the sweetest lil boy there is. Gwen had on
the cutest outfit today too, its like a lavender color and
its one of those fleece fuzzy outfits and on the sweater it
said Angel, it was so cute, and she let me put part of her
hair up for a lil while, but then she ripped it out, she
looked like a porcelin doll. My last entry on here talks
about how their mother gave them up, well now she decides
that she wants Tyler back, I dont understand how anyone
could not want Gwen, shes not much of a problem at all, and
she just makes you laugh and laugh with the stuff she
does. Tyler never eats, I dont understand why, somedays we
can get a piece of pizza in him, or a pancake. every once
in a while he'll eat some cheese puffs or doritos. I dont
understand how he can stay so healthy, and it doesnt matter
how much you tell him to eat, he just wont. We've
tried "if you want to be strong and get lotza muscles then
you need to eat" and "if you want to go to school then you
have to eat" cuz he really wants to go to school, and we've
tried "if you wanna be a basketball player then you gotta
eat cuz basketball players eat lotz and lotz" none of it
works, the school one worked a little bit, but it doesnt
anymore. Gwen is the total opposite, she eats and eats and
eats, shes my lil porker. If anyone has any suggestions on
how to get Tyler to eat, PLEASE TELL ME, the doctors just
tell us to let him eat junk, they say atleast hes getting
something in him. I dont think thats very healthy for a 3
year old, or rather for anyone. I miss Sean, I really hope
me and him work out. If not then im gonna be done with
guys for a lil while. I'll restart my search for the
perfect gurl :-) I know shes out there somewhere. Life
feels so different now, I dont know why. I hate christmas
time, people celebrate it wrong. It shouldnt be about
presents and such. I would be just fine without gifts, it
makes no difference to me, the thing i like to do is buy
the gifts and give them. It makes me feel all warm inside
when someone is opening a present for me and they really
like what I got them. Christmas should be a celebration
for Christ's birth, not saying im a big God freak, but I do
believe in him and thats what christmas is all about, not
the dumb presents. Hmm, I wonder who Jack the Ripper was,
I really wish they would have found out who he was back in
1888, im really curious. I think it was that Francis T.
guy, he was very very suspicous. LOL, yeah this is my
friday nite, god i suck. I wish i knew why i always feel
so depressed when im alone. I used to like it so much. I
think im mostly depressed when Gwen isnt around, I dont
think I could live without her, I am so close to her. me
and her bonded when she was at a very young age, like
around 6 months, I think thats why we are so close. And
maybe its the whole fact that she refers to me as "mom" I
dont know though. My mother says that she will call
whoever she wants to be her mom "mom"...and it looks like
that someone is me. I wish I could run away with her. She
keeps getting bounced back and forth between her mothers,
her fathers, her nanas, and my house, most of her time is
spent at my house though, which i think is gonna change. I
cant see myself not seeing her a whole week, especially now
that its almost x-mas time, ur supposed to spend it with
your loved ones, well I love her and i want her here
damnit, but nothing goes my way. I feel like such a loser,
I dont feel like im supposed to be 16, I feel like a 30
year old trapped inside a 16 year olds body. Is a 16 year
old really supposed to want to spend everyday of her life,
every second of it with a 1 year old, is she really
supposed to want to be the mother of her?? Most people my
age are out having fun, partying and whatnot, and all I can
think about is what does Gwennie want. I go to the store
and I see something she would want or that she has, shes
always on my mind. She deserves so much more then what she
has. I wish I hadn't spoiled her because she knows what
its like to have a lot and I'm one of the only people that
give that to her, everyone else treats her like she was a
mistake. God i can go on for hours about her. I just want
her to be happy. The happiest that she has ever been. My
summer wasnt spent the way most teenagers spend theirs,
dont get me wrong, I wouldnt take a min. back from it.
Most teenagers sleep in and then go out and have fun, make
trouble, the usual. Almost every morning around 9am I
would hear my Gwennie arrive here, and I would get out of
bed and spend the whole day with her until it was time for
her to leave,then I would do the normal stuff like go
swimming and go to fairs, go for walks and start lil bits
of trouble with misti, haha...the good times. See I enjoy
being a regular teenager but what I enjoy more is spending
my time with Gwen. Theres this spot in my heart that is
taken over by her and i will never get her out. I need to
change the subject, I dread spending a week without my
precious angel.
ANYWAYS....its christmas vacation now although I have been
off for the past 2 weeks due to my tonsils being tore out
of my throat, not a very pleasent experiece. And ofcourse,
with my great luck I got the worst of it, most people dont
get the pain as bad as i did the doc told me, but ofcourse
I had to get the horrible ear pain for like, well I still
have it, no where near as bad though, I was lucky enough
not to vomit at all. But the meds were enough to almost
make me. Liquid tylenol with codeine, the most nastiest
tastin stuff ever, even worse then that honey flu crap and
robitusin mixed together.....YUCK! God im such a whine
ass. geez, im thirsty, you should taste this nasty
lemonade crap, it tastes like coconuts, i dont know what my
mother did to it, but its nasty, brb i am goin to get a
drink.
Somedays I confuse myself, I was just complaining about the
lemonade so what do i do? poor myself a glass of it! can
we say..BOTARD?? oooo ooo oo I can I can! Wow this entry
is becoming rather long. Im kinda happy April made me do
this, its an easy way for me to get all my feelings out and
you ppl can just sit back and read all my boring jumbo. I
feel lost, out of place. Like I dont belong here.
I wonder if my wonderful father will call me on christmas,
I highly doubt it, I wish Jeff was my father but ofcourse
the tests came back neg, nothing goes my way. He would have
been so amazing, he treated me so good. He barely knew me
and he went out and bought me a birthday present and card
and even gave me money, he took my mother and I out to
lunch and even paid for the blood tests and those are
expensive, I believe it was around $450. My mother plans
on paying him back with her taxes, right along with how she
plans on paying a lot of stuff and buying a lot of stuff.
She always does that, makes all these plans for her taxes
and she ends up not doin half of them. which doesnt bother
me, but i wish she could do everything she wanted to do.
she deserves it. shes been through a lot in her life, she
doesnt need to struggle financially as much as she does.
its not fair to her. its not like she can go out and work a
job with her back and feet problems, and running a daycare
through our tiny appartment is just barely enough to keep
us living, plus seeing how she isnt liscenced yet so she
can only have 2 kids at a time, and she only charges 2
dollars an hour per kid, its goin up to 3 though in
january..which is nothing. most places charge way more and
do less with the kids. My mom is great with them, she
knows how to make them have fun, and when they are bad she
knows how to discipline them in a way that they listen,
most people think time out doesnt work but it works at my
house. If a kid does something bad then my mom just simply
says, you know the rules, you know you werent supposed to
do that, get up on the couch, your in timeout. And the
child usually listens, if not my mom simply picks him/her
up and sets them down on the couch and repeats herself,
your in timeout, do not get up until i tell you to, do u
understand, and tyler usually goes "i unerstand" its the
cutest way of sayin it. but she deserves something, like
to win the lotto or something so she can just relax for a
bit, not worry so much about putting food on the table and
clothes on our backs, I want her to be able to do stuff for
herself. I have only see my mother buy herself clothes a
few times, it makes me sad. I get all these expensive
clothes from the mall and everyonce in a while she'll got
to walmart or the salvation army and get a cheap pair of
new pants. And she gets so excited when she gets something
for a cheap price. I try my hardest to help her out, i
really do. if my father was worth a shit maybe he would be
able to help her out, give her some money everyonce in a
while instead of being a selfish bastard. sorry, i should
talk about him like that, but if you only knew what kind of
a man he is, how evil he is to me and my sisters, how much
he tells us he dont like us when we do nothing wrong. The
last time i visited him was for my sweet 16, my mother
called me to tell me something very important and he
flipped on me cuz he dont want my mother calling his house,
he threw the phone at me and missed me hitting my lil
sister who is 12. he just doesnt care, i told me that he
was goin to knock my head off my shoulders cuz i got cocky
with him. I was gonna go sit outside so i could get away
from him yelling at me but he accused me of running away
and i was like uhh no, i was so scared when i gave him
attitude. That will be the last time i go to his house. I
dont deserve to be treated in that way. I never did
anything wrong to him, hes the one that used to beat my
mother and my brothers and me, and my lil sis. He was
never in my older sisters life when she was younger so she
escaped it. Shes not my mothers kid. My father denied her
for the longest time, hes such a prick. He begged my
mother to have his babys, hes such an assjack. Whenever
him and mom have a fight over why hes not in our lives my
mother always reminds him of that and he always says "well
you shouldnt have listened" in other words, he doesnt want
us. Thats why I wish Jeff was my father, he knows how to
love. oh and my lil sis is still blind, she still thinks
dad is great, although she has seen so much. I swear if he
hurts her the way he has hurt me i will kill him, my
sisters heart is more fragile then mine, it will break
harder, i hope he changes before she realizes everything, I
hope he decides that its time to be a big boy and take
responsability. god and can u believe it, hes havin
another kid, his wife has got to be the DUMBEST person
alive. She sees how he doesnt want his other 3 kids, and
she sees how mean and abusive he is, but hey i wanna have
his baby! god could we get any dumber. she needs to think
of the baby, does she really want to put that baby through
what she sees me go through. my father targets people
smaller then him usually, so he tends to be more abusive to
kids, she should know this too b/c she has a 3 year old
daughter..cheyenne, and my sister has seen him hitting her
and we told his wife, but shes so damn iggnorant. Someone
needs to knock some sence into him. what he really needs is
councling, but hes stubborn and wont listen to people when
they tell him that. i wish that he would do something bad
that makes him go to jail for a few years so he can sit
behind bars and just think of everything wrong he has done,
and maybe then, just maybe he will change his ways, but god
only knows for how long. at the most a year. but nothing
like that will ever happen to him because i want it to. i
wish that someone he really looks up to would sit down with
him and have that heart to heart chat with him. he needs
that, he needs to realize that he isnt the only person on
this planet that needs something, his kids need something
too...a father. and well better late then never is what
most people say, but sometimes you're to late, so i wish he
would hurry up before my heart totally closes on him.
Somedays enough is enough. I have forgiven him and
forgiven him many times, i've given him thousands of
chances only to be burned by him, i dont like that feeling,
infact it hurts me, I would like a dad, but if i cant have
one then I will do just fine. Hes going to be the one
missing out, I'm gonna do something great with my life and
he wont be able to take any credit for it, just my mom and
all the people around me that support me.
Well on that note i think i should end this, my fingers are
starting to hurt and well i have rambled enough for one
nite, now that someone out there reading this knows a great
deal about me. its ok though, I can only get stronger with
all the hurt i have been dished...and let me tell ya, im
pretty damn strong. Goodnite everyone, sweetdreams, good
bye!

~love danielle~




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