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2001-09-01 07:47:22 (UTC)

Oh the Woes of Art...

Well I can't believe that I haven't written about this
before, but I started modeling for the art department...I
don't think I would call it fun, but it's been interesting
to say the least...I mean it's not too often that one poses
nude for a life drawing class...But anyway, I told m about
it today and he wasn't to happy with me...I mean, I expected
him to be upset, I don't know why I was suprised...Maybe
it's that I wished he would suprise me and not be bothered
by it...I know he's possesive and can be jealous, but if he
knew how unerotic and sterile the drawing class was, I don't
think he'd be bothered by it at all...
I wish he didn't worry about things like this so much...I
don't know if it's a personal insecurity or if he doesn't
trust me...Neither of those is very good, of course, but I
think him not trusting me is worse...And the worst part
about that is that I haven't done anything to be unworthy of
his trust...I'm violently opposed to cheating, and besides,
I love him and what we have more than any other relationship
I've ever had...And the other thing that sucks, is that it
doesn't really matter what I say because the trust issue is
partly founded in insecurity...Which is what I don't
understand...Because he seems so sure of himself and so
confident of himself...I just had this sudden thought...I
think maybe he said that he was okay with it in the end,
because he doesn't want to have conflict because he feels it
might push me away...So I think it's a two part thing, one
part insecurity from lack of trust, and one part insecurity
from the fear of losing me...Whoaaa...I'm good, I think I
should be a psychologist...But that's a whole different

So anyways, I'm on duty tonight which really is pretty
lame...M came to visit me though, so that was nice, although
I thought he was going to spend the night and he left , so
that kind of sucked...Oh well, and I only have one more set
of rounds to do before I get to go to sleep so yeah...