Life of Nevadagirl
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2002-12-21 01:47:54 (UTC)

122002 what a mess

well i have not written for so long, i made such a mess of
my situations, i need help so bad....i ended up getting
married in the beginning of november to j, the one that was
off and on for the past year and a half, the one that i was
never sure about,
i was so sick of being the person no one wanted, no one
needed, we always fought before, after getting married, we
fight and argue worse
so now as of last nite, he left again and didn t come home
at all,
i dont know how i feel, im sad, but why am i sad, because
it didnt work? because no one does need me?
i just wanted to be good, i didnt want to be depressed or
sleep around any more, what a mess i have made for me now
i hope someone will sincerely pray for me, i know i sound
pathetic, but i am so sad and scared right now, i need
someone to tell me how to get through the potential now
that i will have to divorce, or anul, whatever it would be
for only less than 2 months,
i have never understood why i cant be a nice person, why i
cant have a few friends, probably because i am so whiny, i
know how it must sound, but please if anyone has ever felt
this way, please let me know what you did,
what am i suppose to do? i feel i am a huge hypocrite, and
that i make things so much worse for my life. how do i
change? why cant i just know what i want, and go after it,
see i never knew how i felt about j, and we got married,
how stupid was that....everything happens for a reason, but
i wish this reason would present itself soon, i dont want
to be alone and thats why i cry, but j wouldnt even talk to
me, he didnt even speak my language well enough to
communicate with me, was i used by him, or did i use him?