p i s c e s b a b y 0 2 3
back to my crazy life
i'm going right back to where i was 2 months ago. not
physically of course, but mentally. . . .as usual. was it
so bad then? i can't remember really. but i'm sure it must
have been. i dont remember what its like to be happy. i'm
certainly not now. i'm just empty and shallow. at least
thats what it feels like. if thats happiness then i'm not
so sure its what i want. in fact, if being joviantly happy
means that i cant feel pain and suffering, even in the
least...then i dont want to be happy. which of course goes
against what i've been aiming at for the past like 8
months. i wish i'd kept a journal since around september
or so. i would have loved to remember how i felt in those
days when everything seemed so simple. it was like i had
what i wanted, when i wanted it. oh, nevermind that.
keeping an online journal should be helpful to me, now i
dont have to worry that my nosy untrusting parents will
read it. that reminds me i must burn my other journal.
what am i doing. lying on the couch in my dad's empty
townhouse. watching hardly comedic early 90's SNL reruns.
avoiding calling my moms cell for the mere reason that i
dont want to hear the sounds of the hospital behind her. i
dont care what happens to my dad tonite. he might go blind
from the surgery. i dont even know the details of the
operation. because i didn't ask. i dont want to know
whats happening to him. he doesn't deserve...ugh i dont
know. i hope he loses his vision. you'll never know how
many problems that would solve.