Things were going great. I mean, they still are great just
that I've now got a little niggle.
The other night we were in bed and she asked me how many
people I'd slept with. A bit odd I thought cos I've told her
that before but I told her and in turn asked her the same
and she told me. Oddly she didn't give me the same answer
she has done in the past. This time she told me that she had
slept with her ex. Before when I asked she told me she
hadn't slept with him. I didn't want to accuse her of
anything so I asked when and she said it was when they had
been going out (so not when I was seeing her, not that I
thought she had cheated on me just it seemed a bit odd).
You know when someone tells you something and you actualy
feel it hit you, almost like it knocks the wind out of you.
It felt just like that. My heart sank right down into my
stomach. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say, and
that just made it worse. She kept asking me what was up
(wasn't it obvious??) and when I asked why she hadn't told
me in the past she just said she had forgotten about it. It
really wouldn't have mattered if she had told me in the
beginning because I didn't know the guy and didn't know that
he was still after her, but know I know what he's like it
kills me to think about it. She said that she didn'treally
know him at the time, and that he wouldn't even tell her his
age or that he was married (!!!). What an asshole is all I
could think. I have a thing against guys who sleep with
girls they don't know. Fine, if the chick is up for it then
it's up to her but it still really pisses me off. And if
he's fucking married......
So I told her how I felt and she just got moody with me. As
Now I can't stop thinking about it. I think it bothers me so
much because when she used to go see him I would get really
jealous but that me and her had somethingt hat he would
never have. Now I know better. I really don't think it would
bother me at all now if they went out cos I've given up hope
of being better than him to her.
I mean, if she didn't even know him, and it was her first
time (how you forget that i'm not sure) then I keep thinking
that it must have been really passionate and there must be
something about him that really turns her on and that she
wants to be with him. So what's changed now?
She's not passionate about or with me. She usedto be. She
would kiss me with real feeling and when we made love it was
amazing. Now I feel like we only have sex cos she thinks I
want to, not because she wants to. That's not why I want to
have it. I don't want her just to get me off and then turn
over and go to sleep. Where's the feeling in that?
I told her how I felt. More moodiness.
And now I fell like I can never be number one in her life. Like I'll always be the next best thing, or not even the next best. That thought
gets me down. I wish she would just talk to me, tell me where I stand without just giving me the standard answers that I hear over and
over. Like I said, I've tried telling her how I feel and she just gets upset. What can I do, eh?
Can I win? I think
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