once again
2001-08-31 09:50:59 (UTC)

you never know anyone

I've only read Amica's lame excuses today. She says it was
all in the heat of the moment because she was so astonished
a guy could love a girl that much and care about how he
could win her back. But I don't beleve a word after
reading her personal diary and it talking a guy she met and
how she hopes things turn out the way they should. She was
going to leave Dave today, but yet I'm supposed to believe
she didn't mean it. Tony and I talked today. He had no
idea about any of this. He could only check his email at
my house because of lack of computer so he doesn't even
care. He said he wouldn't talk to her ever again after the
night we broke up and he said he hadn't. Tony wants me
back and I'm not sure I can do this. I told him that I'm
tired of feeling like I'm always wrong and he swore he
would change. I want Shawn thouhg, he already has the
exact month that he can move here. He is who I want and
I'm scared I'm going to let Tony win again. What's worse
is I went out with Tony tonight and Two people I work with
and he was perfest like when I first met him. How long is
that going to last? And when I layed with hima t his house
I could feel Shawn. Now, that's not fair to him, nor
myself. I don't want to hurt Tony anymore then I already
have. But I want to be with him, yet I don't. Then I stop
and say why even bother? For a minute everyday I think of
Tony, but every other minute it's Shawn. He is what makes
me go, what gives me my drive. I can't tell Tony this
because then he'll know I wasnt truthful the whole time.If
Shawn was here I wouldn't have this confusion because then
I'd know for sure That Shawn was with me, BUt he's not and
I'm scared that if I put my life on hold he'll never come,
but I'm scared if I don't he will and then it'll be worse.
I know in my heart if he was to show up and I was with Tony
or whomever that I would have no problems walking away from
them for Shawn, but why am I confused now? Tony is a good
guy but there;s just that something he can't offer. I know
Shawn can because just hearing him say hello and I feel
safe and loved and all the good stuff, but I have yet to
feel that with Tony. I know my answer is right infront of
me, but I'm just too scared to have to realize it, I think.