2002-12-18 05:34:24 (UTC)

you look so fine...

i want to break your heart and give you mine...

pretty good day. actually.
MY CAT!! LAST NIGHT - she was here!
It wasnt her! I'm so happy. caroline might keep her for
awhile. but i dont know if i want my baby living with that
other fucking bitch. but better than really getting hit i
guess. but id never see her.. but. if there ever was the
opportunity, it'd be an excuse. i will probably never
admit this to her unless i start really losing it here but
i miss her so much. seriously. but nevermind that.

although, the fact that my life has gotten so ridiculous
that i dont even REALIZE it anymore, doesnt help. like.
tonight he FLIPPED out because i went to dennys with
claudia. her girl dumps her and goes to virginia, and she
was upset... and he called of course on his break. and
IMMEDIATELY. its WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? ...... and i told
him i was at dennys with claudia. GO HOME. I want you to
go home now. okay.. things dont really seem that out of
control, until i have to EXPLAIN it to someone else. and
they give me this pathetic are you serious look.

this lady outside the store today, was beat up, by her
husband she said, and she had no money, she said, and she
just wanted money for a bus to get to her sisters to get
away from him. so i gave her ten bucks, all i had in
cash. thats something i cant walk away from. and yeah,
maybe she was lying. but she needed it for SOMETHING. to
stand outside of a store and lower yourself to ask
strangers for money and make up a story like that if she
was, well SOMETHING put her in that situation. and i dont
think she was lying. and i hope she doesnt go back.

there are women in jail, in JAIL, for killing their abusive
husbands in self defense. WHERE THE FUCK *AM* I??? what IS
this place? fuck yeah kill him. fucking rip his balls off
and set him on fire and fucking GOD.

i guess the question is. is this forever. if this is not
forever, what the fuck am i doing. because undoubtedly,
however this ends, it will kill me. no matter how i
feel. no matter how embarrassed and angry i am to go home
when he tells me to, i mean - yeah, dennys at 9 pm, im
really fucking living it up. really being a bad
girlfriend. i mean fuck. but despite that, and the stupid
fights, despite missing her STILL, and despite his
inconsideracy - it will kill me. i know that. so why i am
i so sure that all this effort and time and struggle is
worth it? why am i so sure HE is the one? i have HURT so
many people because of this - and is it just so that i'll
get hurt again in the end? i mean. sometimes i dont know.
i know i want to be with him and i know that i love him
more than anything in the world. i just dont know why.

im also beginning to think that im still in love with her.

but i'll keep saying its just this time of year reminding
me and forget it because, really what else can i do.

and so im going to bed.